Yepyep... still here.

Happy 1st of the end of the year. 

its December. almost hard to believe its going on a year..2022. This blog has been squeaking along since 2005 at its usual pokey pace. amazing. 

Feeling strangely idle this morning, thus far..like I need another new hobby or something. maybe revisited in homedge to the past. (grin) like old games or something. like ...

old Diablo. the content was adventursome, i suppose.. but it was my first game with such detailed graphics as it had. or like 

"the zoombinies".. for which you needed to use yer thinking cap for. or really old games, 

like "wizardry!" where my party, with ample imagination, such as I have, developed their own conversations and personalities, like indy the flatnose (forever running into walls) or Synshae the wanna be.. Bishop! or online games, such was 

Everquest2 and ol Ratakin and his "by the seat of yer pants" aproach to living in a treed Fairy town. (that he was forever falling out of), 

Asherone's Call, whose graphics was 'really dated', but where My character Indy) yeas, her again) developed a server-wide reputation for most deaths, thought she could fly but couldnt, and whom had a -total fear of the little pixies-. (especially those black one's who were just pure evil. or maybe the popular 

Warcraft, with the minotaurs, the blue aliens, and the amazing lands of the panda! Or a revisit to still relevent 

Mabinogi.. whose story is packed with adventure, storylines, and fun times with friends, life skills, fighting skills, and new costumes for your character to parade around in... lookin so smart! or maybe 'newer' games, like 

"Rimworld", who isnt big on the graphics part of it, But! is jam-packed with appeasement of the 'sims' end of gaming. watching the drama unfold around your lil colonists. so fun! ...no I'm not joking! Rimworld is fun!. its like a poorman's sims game with adventure and learning new things all mixed in for your characters. or 

"Timberborn", a building game, whose townships are run by Beavers. or maybe the latest in cool games I enjoy, like 

"cat goes fishing." which is.. exactly as its name implies. somehow it manages to be simple and entertaining as well, to me. a total gem of a game. And theres Always 

Minecraft, who just updated to expanded 1.18... its a whole bigger world! taller, mountains, snowier snow, Goats! and deeper caves, more minerals, danger, and Axelotls! and a shout-out to the hermits for their seasons creation and upbeat versions of life and times in the world of Minecraft, keeps me ever-happilly waiting for the next episode on youtube. Ty Impulse, Cubfan, Scar, Pearl, Mumbo, and FalseSymetry! you and the whole rest of the gang are tops!

The day and Age

Ah the foibles of life. These days, with all thats going on here and across the globe, its hard not to get all caught up and wigged out about what yesterday, was no big deal, today is all about a big deal. seems like just when you get one thing figured out, everything changes and you find yourself having to scramble to catch up on it all again. and in one aspect, I feel its just too much and why am i trying so hard.. and in another, I feel I should be trying harder, or my expectations are gunna rear up of a sudden and I'm gunna be drowned in them again. (thereby, making no real sence at all, even to me.) I detest running into my own expectations. so, let me start again with something I'm a bit more comfy with.. even as things around me keep getting in the way.

An update with Minecraft.. and whats comin up. 1.17 thus far is a few really nice changes.. new blocks, new mechanics. and the usual lack of direction from yours truely... meaning myself. with the second part, being 1.18 showing sneak peaks along the way toward the end of the year.

I stepped into a new portal... for the second time... and somehow got to meet some pretty cool friends. I have been much like the times.. a bit chaotic. time of month, alergy sneezes and stuffed thoughts, full of muzzy cotton. ..paranoia and fear... and not watching out for my own facts of reality. I have been showing my lows, and been more than a little frightened of things that i am looking forward to, will ring hollow... and thus far.. theyre still there, these friends. (arn't they?)
I started in the nearest town.. straightening out roads, and farming areas... not realizing someone else had already laid claim. I saw the town fizzle and villagers disapearing.. and then roaring back of a sudden via replenishment of a creative admin. i learned about.. and am still learning about just what it means to have a lack of mob griefing. I have tried to move across the swamps and dark oak.. using my idea of a nether hub for ease of transport. and got a slightly better connection I am none too sure i should be trusting.I settled into a small village of cedar and spruce.. trying to keep things small scale hoping it will keep the lag monster from chewing on my ankles. I then created a bridge, spanning the very ocean to reach another village i had 'adopted'. the bridge is still not completed. but the new village became more of a town sitting on the edge of the new updated plains.. and a geode was found there, along with several new blocks I am hoping will soon become a bit more versitile, stairs, walls, and slabs.

my spruce home has become a place of all new underwater activity, with the axeys and the glow squid... and the drowned. I became interrested in the ruins in the water and have spent considerable time enjoying the benefits of a conduit I placed down there...temporarilly, I told myself, and up until a day or so ago, was still saying. I descovered the properties of copper and its value as lightning rods, shocking as it was. (pats down frizzled hair) somehow i got them up just in time. and am now thinking there must be a way to make a few new houses, in between what already exists... and yet there is space uphill I have done not a whole lot with. I did put up a wall, at last, on the land side anyway... since the woods are full of zombies and skelis. still considering tree houses.. even as I dont wish to copy anothers idea.

ahead of us, there is both aprehention and joy for the new dynamics of the coming update. caves and cliffs part 2. With monsters only being able to spawn in complete darkness.. and my adversion to said darkness...and ample use of torches and fences... should be welcome, with the expansion of the world.. bigger caves, getting in the way of my mining style. *grumble* and shivers for the new wardon I hope I will somehow be able to mentally surmount like i have the enderman.

I am learning more about how to fly.. with the rockets..(so halfhazzardly) and swim..with the dolphins.. and that lovely conduit. I got to meet someone who is much like me in creative building.. and seems a bit more sympathic to my foibles. I feel I have learned a lot.. to the point I feel i need to write it down, lest I forget it all. I am slow, I have realized, with building and projects. Very slow... and weeks with just being content not to do much of anything.

That reminds me, i have yet to see 'the hubby's' lightnouse build on that lonely island. I wonder but wont ask the question in mind.. these days, its just better not to risk getting into it. Wish I could remember that bit of sage advice when I feel the impulse to howl at the wall. Either back it up or shut it up... problem is how to 'back it up' when the news and truth, mixed with nontruth and lies, is all over the place?

Its the day and age of rage.

edit: boy, has it ever. Someone who's friendship I valued, turned out to be toxic and quite hateful toward me... came out of the past to once more smack me soundly about the head and shoulders.. (I'll Just call this person Bob) to me it felt quite sudden and i was stunned... but as I felt the emotions ebb over me.. I realized it was nothing new.. I just didnt expect it to be such a big deal... I had forgotten the intence feeling of pure hatred washing over me via Bob. and the insane "reason of opposites".. I had tried to be of support to someone I viewed as a good and true friend... Bob had gone through a difficult time. Aparently, at least in Bob's book, i suck at good advice and should have realized it sooner... like as in before I thought that my support was actually something that was wanted. I had forgotten. I had forgotten all about the ill-feelings toward me, voting instead, to remember what a good solid friend this person was. Some things have changed.. some things, aparently, have not. I truely, am sorry, that after all this time, its still a fresh wound to Bob. Beyond that, I wont even try to give advice for moving on.. to anyone but me. I choose not to encounter this toxicity in my life anymore. I chose to take my own 'good advice', and move on. Short of the jitters and a few tears, I got over it. I recall now, some of those feelings of hatred in my life... from other sources. they are like a sad echo.. stuck behind me in the past.

I suppose that would be the beauty of losing one's memory. you forget the angry pain as well as the mountain of regret. edit/update... learned something I was -really- slow to realize today... I seem to have the avengers 'banner' for a trivia partner... he has a secret i was slow to figure out. some people in this world really are... always angry. truely, that can't be good for thier health. its really a sad to realize as well. Is it possible to have high blood preasure and be anemic at the same time? Does a person have to be born with autism, or can it be aquired over time? .. can a person get autism though one's parents if they dont have it? I watched a video the other day who spoke of such things.. having a hidden autism... and the signs to reveal it. i did fit that idea. well.. for certain I'm an overthinker.... at least it sounds a bit less of a clinical thing.

A Secret Scare

Starting to think I might need to get tested for dementia, maybe random havana syndrome, or somesuch. I still don't believe the great mugwup had ended with the problem they said he did. I know I have said as much, but.. maybe it was just about splitting hairs on my part.
I doubt myself for making no sence...just thinking I do. someone gave me three words... and I thought to remember them for the next time I needed to recall.. and not 2 minutes later I could only recall the first one. The other day I sang a song out loud.. and was embarrissed to think i might have sung it off-key. !! I was mortified. the other evening, I told someone something I thought was terribly interresting... thought I might have embellished the story a bit.. and i only got a Hmm.. in responce. Again, I was confused and a bit embarrissed. I didnt hear a word i expected, so thought to provide it.. and got an eyeroll. "of course, I knew that all along!" my tendency to repeat things.. as if saying them once wasnt clear enough... especially old stories... which should be quite well known by now. was I lying?..embellishing? when asked what I thought might be a "prove it" suggestion, I got irate and said I no longer cared about any of that. Have i forgotten some of those things I said? are things I think still relevant, not any longer? is it just to me? I doubt myself. how many times of late has the English language, "not been with me"? and how many times ..of late... have i gotten up, not sleepy in the slightest, only to find myself nodding off a moment later? a faulty gene? I'm rather frightened in public.. or when talking, afraid I'm making no real sence... that I'm losing something... something important... that imbellishments i might have said.. or forgotten might be exposed. I have stopped my language learning because I feel I cannot retain any of it. i look at a word, and can no more identify it now, then i could some 7 years ago. I have, of late, often felt panic rising within me, at having forgotten something... or that, as if i had intentionally lied as my sister often asserted, sometime in the distant past, will get discovered. so I hush.. hoping not to be "called upon." Things I might have said, or ugly things that have happened in hazy history, I have spept (swept)aside, intentionally, saying I'll think on it another time.. and never to do it again. its just.. whatever it was.. gone.. like a wisp of steam, in my mind.
...... am I fogetting something? .......

talk aabout having an 'off' day. sheesh... and whats with all the typos?!

edit/update... yepyep mental health is a thing... looking back with realization..how many times already? and looking forward with a shiver of anxiety...and.. I dont want to worry... i dont want to think so much into things, i mean. what if its just me? and yet... they say dont ignore early signs... look at it this way... a person to who loves do certain thing, no longer does them... things that could prove embarrissing, slipping from one thought to another in the middle of a chat, that makes people (everyone but you) do a mental "wait, what?" and well into it, later, do you catch it... i was talking about "how long one boiles eggs, not potatoes." is it just a woopsy? what if it happens over and over again? is it still just amusing? do excuses still work? "I stopped simply because i felt i was going nowhere with it." does it feel like it's.. if there's something more to it? or are things, for you starting to add up to fear of something bigger and its all just... nothing, and yer just jumping over molehills again? if it just me, being exadurent and fearful? (I'm pretty sure you get the meaning in that 'word' regardless of its made-upness.) I blame it all of something else.. just dont care to know anymore... just can't see my way through it, im just tired.. a lot. or maybe.. I simply didn't get the answer I expected.. i didnt understand the answer i got...
feelings checklist.. fear, anxiety, difficulties, not up to the task, loss, a desire to let someone else take over. giving in. giving up? uncomfy, leaning away, sad, tearful, angry, frustrated, flussered, rolling eyes, where do i go from here? do i? trying to shut up more... and more often. I'm so sorry. :(