Horrible typing and a frustrating laptop.

My little laptop, the gimp that it is.. Has a strong dislike for the space-bar..and the letters n, o, g, and e. so if those are missing or omitted in this post, sorry now, on my laptop's behaf. if, on the other hand, its a letter replacement or booboo. Thats my sad typing skills. ok, that having been said,...

Dunno if i said it before or not but.. theres a pause.. a slight relief from the glaring red eyeball of living with a moving roof and feeling lucky at that... its been cold out, a "no-duhh" is placed here in time for the holidays. Christmas came and went... and here comes the new year. wee. (sarcasm intended). Its a dad-by-day struggle... with no light at the end of the tunnel... because it can't be afforded... kind of like food, these days. getting scarcer by the week.Makes you really apreciate the little things. Dinno where I'm gunna be this evening...nevermind tommorrow. But enough about me.. Lol!

Not a whole lot else going on, really. My portal use is sketchy at best... but at least before christmas, i amused myself enportal, naturally, by throwing things into the cc chests in spawn. took the time,and exp use, to make sure a new person would find them useful. dunno that they went to anyone else or not but i guess thats how it goes. i probably just annoyed a few shopkeepers by giving them a bit less potential business. ..but then i too have been annoyed by a shopkeeper i trusted, underselling me, and not mentioning me when they could have as i have done them before. so.. i guess its a little passive-agressive of me...and likely its all on my side anyway. in my everyday bid to staywanted and busy, I have once more taken to prompting the villagers in my new town project to, become a bit more productive... and davey jr is still refusing to choose a profession. I'm starting to think he should be donning the geen robes of the village idiot class... but he wont take so much time for even that.I managed to rework the waterall, after the Disappearence of the farmer up there. made ita bit safer.. i think. Dunno though.. i did retrieve the new farmer from the cliffside the other day.... not sure just how he got on the ledge. I added a gate onto the overlook, and brought in the donkey.. who aparently had been waiting for me. patiently, i might add. Surprized me. I didnt have to go far at all. Well he's in a bit of safety now anyway. Ifhis friend, the horse is still out there, the next time i look, I'll bring him in as well.
I need to buildsome nice walls around the place they are better than the fences... but, im not real confident i can make them worthy... so i havent tried as yet. I did try to remake a villager house but...its the usual boxy thing..so i stopped at the first floor.
my excuse is, im waiting for the end to the annoying undead minion that keeps showing up to command my attn. They are I'm told, leaving on the 2nd. Hope I'm still able to work on things then. Im tired of boxes really. I see such amazing places.. and I just cant get past the basic box. I think I'm getting bored of feeling alone, again. How does that guy do it? years and years of working on one thing.. for no real reason. no real gain. like... a disapearing cloud. no matter how hard you work atit, trying to make it a masterpiece.. its still.. is nothing but vapor. I dont get that. I really dont. and.. why cant i just Do stuff like i always have, why is it so different now? hmm... feels a bit like i'm peering into that big can of worms again..

i had thoughts of maybe posting a text version, with screenies, of personal roleplay stories and lore type stuff... but yeah, no... its more of that same vapor feeling. who would read it? why would it even matter? hell, my old webpages got more attention. and that was back when skills in basic html put you a little closer to the 'worth looking at' tag,.. that doesnt seem to exist for me anymore. feeling my age, i suppose. lol :D shades of self-worth...or self-confidence .... or the lack there of. it doesnt matter. i know this.and yet, i agonize over it all anyway.

Encountered a bit of an issue earler today.. someone had stated a rule of 'no personal info'. Now, I do actually agree on princible. not only should it be a good policy to practice, but it is especially so with underage folk. but while, i certainly know not to be sharing identfiable stuff, address, ph no, and such, i have not heard, nor seen at this place, such a particular details. so, it is with some surprise and with a fair bit of embarrissment to get called on one of those particulars. (shaekes head saddly) amazing. well, i am better informed from here on out, and as such, i have attepted to apologize for what was otherwise a simple guessing game in whch i was hardly alone.. but was the one 'caught'. I should have somehow known better. One thing could have easilly lead to another, I suppose. and its best I should not have engaged at all, even given my hesitation. perhaps the fellow reading the riot act was from purple. hehe perhaps its a good thing I have no real desire to join the portal's team of helpers. I am too much of a rogue for them, anyways.

Did I just lose you that last? sorry bout that. Tmi, rght? Lets just go on to other thngs.

moving on down the road...

Hallo. This is just me, posting just cuz i can, so i am. Trying to find bright outlooks to the situation has gotten a little more difficult of late. And what's found has a definite sarcastic flavor to it. This is what's its like having to actually move to a given portal that you simply just do not know if it's there.. Nevermind working.. nevermind accessable.. or free... Or... You just don't know. So you move towards it on nothing but a wing and a prayer.. it's like one of those movies where the guy has just made it through days of desert walking.. On nothing but the hope there's a free refreshment stand over the next hill...so you don't die. Here's for that next hill!! Huzzah!

I don't like living so... Impulsively.

Onward through the latest portal,.. (minecraft is still fun to me). Found another town..between a hill/cliff and a desert/ warm ocean. There were even 2 villagers living in the area. I fenced the area off, fed a few carrots and bread to those two... And let them get to repopulation while i took out my shovel and pickaxe and set about making a little sense of the hill. Dont know quite what to do after this..but at least the remaining villagers arnt gunna fall to thier deaths in the rift under them anymore. Still want to wall off the villages in case of illager attack but... I dunno yet how to do that. I might care to put up a few huts with beds as thier population recovers.

More later, im sure.

Breaking back into daytoday "life happens" ... Messed up morning. Tried to make fun.. with good natured intent, this morning...not to sure it got taken well. A driving friend in the "before dawn" time, swerved a bit... Was telling me about a curb in the road. I laughed disbelievingly as he was leaving, only to be given a food item by a stranger claiming the guy had given it to him. (Which i had gifted him with earlier) Like n like. I am very confused as to the whens n whys. A bit paranoid even. I feel a bit like i have been told to step aside in all of this with him and his mentor. Its been a long haul, thus far, with no real end in sight. I dont feel i should be speaking up ..and inserting foot. I am less and less secure in thinking my thoughts are valuable anyway. Theres no real way i can see, where my words have helped at all. Theres far better advice.. and im a burden..trying to not be, really. I feel really sad inside. He said he feels like a failier... Someone elses words... But he used them. Im sorry if i somehow caused it. Am i being toxic or something? I told myself i wouldnt speak of things that i knew were. Did i stick my foot in it again? Or... Am i just overthinking again? .. Let there be a lesson to self. Stop Griping!! lol

thinking of hard times...

Well .here it is..close to the barrel bottom now. Only leg i have to stand on, being my right, is we are together still..and we have, currently, a way to get out of the rain..or ever-too-hot sunshine, which we have been exposed to quite a bit of late. I really got to see the seedier side of things today ..not to write home about, me thinks. People coping...any way that they can. Im hungry. I need a shower too. Im smelly. There seems no direction to go. Fighting continues. Always, it seems. Still want to blame the clown in charge. Unbelievable. Well. I do hope that the red side wins the country this time. I hope it all gets fixed. Im down too far now to really engage as i might have, beginning of the year. My top dream now is simply this .. a roof, wamth, dryness, and food...and maybe that shower. Thatd be nice. Getting swept up in the homeless pile at/near the borders and downtrodden areas now. Having to be carefull of what we cant get for ourselves.. being a bit sus over what we are given to eat. And where we are choosing to sleep. Saw a man in what we thought might be in a safe place..pretty sure he was sleeping in a nearby space. Made us feel ..uncomfortable. and a fellow called cicel, who went on about a room and a shower, just disapeared. Pretty sure he has been out for longer then he indicated. I only hope the food was alright. Its been cold out at night. I still am. Shivering with a sweater on, in the library.

I sure miss the laze of getting up and sauntering into the ajoining room..flicking on the computer and grabbing a marie calenders out of the freezer for breakfast/lunch. ...good times.

And still...we are lucky to have what little we do.

Sitting here, looking out across the way and the big ol houses on the hill... And wondering,  again, just how they do that. Manage such a nice place..even in times such as this. Im angry, im sad. Depressed, displeased, flustered, frightened,..a little, at having to ever be aware. And at where the future is really going to lead us.

a moment of paranoia?

So .theres this mousehole..in the baseboard of that wall right there. Its just a little thing really....but the thing of it is...not everyone i have spoken to, seems to see it. Or if they do, they just cant understand its importance to the story. One person i know, kept insisting that there is no hole at all.. over and over again..when i asked, she would say, "theres no hole. No problem." Even though there is most certainly a hole there..and thats definatly a problem. Ive touched it. I have felt its edges,.. i have even seen a little mouse moving about in there.  And yet...she persists..'there is no problem there. No hole'..not even a blemish or a scratch, to marr the baseboard. How could this even be? No hole? "Touch it then", i say. But no, she wont do that. Theres nothing there. But there is. "Why wont you touch it? You will see, theres a hole there." And she gets angry. "No!" She yells, holding her hands together. "Your just delusional and trying to drag me into it!." Then she ran off, yelling about how completely unfounded i have been to her. So, i start thinking perhaps shes right. Maybe im just being a lunkhead, giving in to the self doubts for awhile. Its better to just go along, right? But over a bit of time..i have noticed that not only has the mousehole in the wall, not disapeared, its gotten bigger..and i can hear chewing. Not just that but...the other day, i walked by a news stand on the corner of 8th and bingham street..and i startled to see my name. The words "abusive" "delusional" and "tiny mice" accompanying it. Then suddenly, i became aware of the suspicious way people were looking at me. Narrowed eyes and muttering to one another.. i could about feel the red-hot knife of hate. 

I just cant talk about the mousehole anymore.. everyone around me seems to be of the opinion im making it all up. That little hole just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

Then, as i was sitting there, watching the mice coming and going with trails of sawdust.. someone sat next to me..and in a timid voice, whispered ... "Theres a big ol monster-hole in that wall over there. Why is everyone refusing to see it? I just dont understand."

So..there was this girl called kamela...

rantfest?

Not the best of days...not at all. Quite a number of people accusing others of what they themselves have already done. Sides drawn and a fistfight seems about to begin. People on one side just cannot see what their own side is doing while the other side seems totally intent on justifying what just happened to put others.. on their own side, up on the anger board. What once was a place of tollerence has lost cogs and tipped into near maddness. Makes me wonder just what/where the wrench is and who threw it to make such a horrible muddle. One thing i know for certain .. it cannot continue for much longer. Changes are afoot. Got yer popcorn popped yet? ... Ohh this is your third bag? Yeah i understand. Need a sip of hard-won soda and a voting card. Make it count.

And speakin of an elephant...

Barr.. You got the word wrong. Its "de-classified." You arnt making friends anymore. And i thought you were cool once...playin smart bpipes n all...now youv shown yer just a smart-arse. How annoying and disappointed I am in you.

King Sleepy, yer snooze-shoutin again. Get off the soapbox before you irrepairably hurt something. We dont recognize such titles in this country. We never have. You seriously need to catch up with the times if yer gunna keep yelling like that. Get a clue, man! Yer on the wrong side..and shakin hands with the ghost of christmas future. I dont really like you, I never have.. and I'm not the only one. You are hanging with the wrong crowd, man. Corn-pop is laughin his head off at you. Its Cornpop and all of those people behind you that you call friends. They are using you to hurt a whole lot of people. Cant you see that? They are tellin you what to say and then laughing when you repeat it. You dont even really know where you are, do you? The term 'useful idiot' applys to you. Its a crying shame really. People under you are fleeing for the hills all around and you just cant see the obvious. How about lookin toward yer VP?.. shes losing people as well. She was a wrong choice.  She's never around to help fix the problems. She's got her own problems. rats escaping a sinking ship. Yer goin down cap'tn!! Prepare for a dunkin!... And im not talkin donuts either. (Or ice cream) you are going down in history alright. As the worst leader this country has ever experienced. Hope you like it..cus youl get to own it for a mighty long time...with or without (which is most likely) your actual presence.

Mrs. pel, mr shoe, and bug-eyes.. not much to say to you, little demons. Except.. yer time is comin. I hope its as rich as you are. Hope you have to pay for it too. But either way.. enough with you. Be gone allready. And take all yer underlings with you back to wherever youv Really come from... And stay there! Youv done your damage already! Oh, is

this your ball? You want it? Take it with you. Please. Just go.

As for everyone else... Agreed with or not, I'm just one person who watched listened, experienced, suffered.. and made up my own mind. My thoughts, my opinions, dont like it? Sorry. But thats how i see it. Feel free to create yer own soapbox. This litter is used. And since this box is mine... Let's go, Brandon!! *Wink*

i just cant believe hed say that.

The other day..well, evening... I was in the car chatting with someone i trust. There was the subject that came up about a computer i was storing along with others in a room he was paying for..for safe keeping. I voiced a desire for its use in a project i was working on. He didnt think it was a good idea because that put it in proximity of another person, who might just abscond with it. Now its an older computer..and not the grandest thing at that, but i thought it might just give me that boost i felt i needed to get my project moving. So i assured him that i would keep close tabs on it..i had no thoughts to have it taken from me.. i would assert myself should anyone try anything. I am quite capible of holding my own, as he knew... Besides i have good reasoned doubts this other person would grab it physicly out of my hands. But this person, i trust, that i had put the computer into the storage with.. seemed to think i was defying 'his rules', upsurping his control, and threw me an ultimatum... saying he would not allow me to take the computer out of the storage. Thats it. Full stop.

I was surprised and quite dismayed. Does he not trust me to hang onto my own computer? Why would he refuse me the chance to do with my own item as i wanted? If i wanted to, i could give that computer away. I could throw it out... I could replate it in gold! Its my computer! Not his. (As it is, and he knows this full well, this computer was a gift to me from someone else..completely unrelated to this..and i wont just give a gift away from someone i valued, without a great deal of thought first.)The storage area is his, i suppose.. and he is just denying me access to the computer. Why would he do this? Do i now have to guard my computer from him?

I am mystified. Should i just give the thing away now, just so itd stop being an issue? Why cant i just use it like i want?  -sigh- i just figured itd make things easier for my project...i mean, i guess its not all that important... Hed rather i just..not do anything to advance that which i said i'd do? People would get pretty frustrated with me, im positive. I would much rather do what i can to avoid the blame that i know is coming. To avoid the confrontation and even if it was one in which this other person is responsible for (for not getting a computer i can use), i would as well..because im not being paid for the effort of working on the project...but for the results of the project. Its confusing, i know.

I have not truly been enabled in this project. The other person has been putting thier efforts elsewhere and my project is just one of many that are going on... And not too important to the whole, really. So they have not put a whole lot of thought toward it. I would be taking my own initiative by using my own computer, to make the whole project work. ..to at least know it 'can' work...if i had a working computer for it. Atm  i just dont know if itl work with a computer or not. Bare bones, itl work with a phone..but maybe not that great? I have no way to tell without trying. But givin that i dont have a computer in which to try..because i cannot now get my old computer out of storage... And the laptop i do have, is too small to use for this... Im stuck. Wiv or wet wiv.

What a pain. -.-. I -want- to see to the results of this project! To know that i -can- make it work!. To be able to say i did something!

Instead im sitting here, parked butt in a room, for the last...how long has it been now? ... Months. And done not a single thing, this whole time.

(Heavy sigh). Ok... I know this is just venting at this point..rl issues... I am..agreeved, upset, flustered, ....annoyed! Not a good day for me.

Edit: On this day.. friday Aug 12 2022...

I am feeling.... sad atm... And a little bit paranoid and flustered. Dont know quite what to do with me.

what shall i call this one.. more of the same?

Am interresting fix.... Lets say. On the hypothetical... A romance senario. In the past there were these two guys...friends. good friends. One guy had a wife.. they didnt..always get along... But they weathered the times together. The other guy found a gf.. things happened.. lots of upheavel... Then silence reigned... The other guy went into the military... The husband and wife, still together went through some hard times but came out of trouble still together... And celebrating thier 30th year aniversery.

Somewhere in the middle the other guy popped up and showed a lot of displeasure to the wife then all went quiet once more... Then one day, the husband gets a call from the other guy...reminds him of thier friendship back then, and how hed like to get back into thier friendship... and there was a hope that he could stay with the hubby and wife for a time, while trying to get into a collage. He tells him he views the wife as a sister but then when the wife would talk to him as well.. he goes a little bonkers over the phone... He tells the wife that he really does not like her..rather, that he wants nothing to do with her and to never speak to him again. Husband tells her afterward, that the other guy 1. Will not speak with any woman without her other half being right there.... Even though hubby was in the room when the wife and other guy spoke on the phone. And 2. The hubby didnt think the other guy hated her. (She didnt either, imagine her dismay.) The end result, the other guy didnt get to go to the college he wanted to. The wife of hubby was grateful that the other guy didnt stay with them. And the hubby... Is still talking to the other guy. Friends again.

Now, to others who have heard the story, they think the other guy might just be jelous of the wife, being so close to the hubby...especially as the other guy has shown to be no friend of hers.

On the hypothetical tho.... Is the other guy perhaps trying to drive a wedge between the hubby and wife? Is this a dangerous, toxic relationship? Everyone has seen or read about the 'other woman' in a romance... jealousy is a pretty complicated and intense emotion..and is certainly a mainstay in romance stories. This certainly does smack of one of those stories... Only with a twist...of an 'other guy'. Is it a plausable senario though? Or would it only ever end in disaster? Is it even worthy enough to write about as a plot?Somethings are simply doomed from the onset..and not a very interresting subject. This sounds very..doomish to me... The husband is a little too... Laxidazicle... Or the wife a little too accepting/baffled perhaps...to keep thier relationship alive so people like this other guy doesnt just...muscle in and tear thier 30 years together, asunder in short order.

Where is the line with letting old friends into the picture? 

I knew a girl who, the moment she had secured a relationship with a guy, she tore him from all of his friends. She didnt want to be accepted by them. She didnt want them to be a part of her relationship. I dont think one should have to do that. I would think those friends of his were solid enough that they would know a line existed even before the girl came along. But then... Trust isnt something most people possess straight off the go either. Most of this guys friends were not to fond of her...of course they also didnt really know her either. Probibly the feeling was mutual. Still, i wouldnt think id enjoy being in that guys shoes either. having to say.. My gf doesnt want us to be friends any more.. even though we have been solid for quite a number of years,  so.. oh well... bye. Is that how it goes, in most relationships? Cuz ifn it is.. then i royally bombed the test. I'm of the opinion that, while i cant really trust people i dont know, i do trust the person im in relationship with. I trust that person to keep thier friends on a level a bit separate from the level a serious relationship is at. Like the difference between friendship and love. 

Maybe ill talk more on this another time. Ttfn

second verse..same as the first...

Had a bit of a head gasket blow last evening... With all the steam release, youd think the place was a sauna rather than an ice house which was what was hoped for in this oppressive heat. Now really, i guess i can see the frustration.. i get how that can be. Tired of the delay... And it feels like nothing is gunna happen if i dont say anything. He wants to see it happen! And yet..its always something, isnt it? Yeah, i get that.

For my own part..the portal is pretty much completely out of reach right now. Its waay the flock up there and i dont so much as own a ladder. And while i stand here trying to figure out how to get up there..i gots more issues arriving like buzzards to a feast of roadkill. Every other day yet another one of those ugly feathered fiends is waddling to get a bit closer.. and they havent a single care in the world if i can reach that portal or not. They have nothing to do with it.

Now, me, as typical when im feeling overwhelmed..not that hard to do, really. I take to places i can vent..trying to sort it all out aloud. Sorry, for those who live in such venting spots..you get to hear all my griping and none of the better stuff of the life of a portal hopper. Sorry. Its not fair on you. Normally, im not the sort of confronting assertive gregarious  types you might find a reason to rely on in this business, i waaay prefer to just let others who are like that, take over that position of experience...while i stick to what i know. And i know, givin that preference, that not all the monkeys will willingly hang out in the barrel for very long. There will always be a few swinging overhead. My but they can and do get frustrating.

So..why is there flack being thrown into the air just now? Why not just ignore the small stuff swinging about the place and get the door open in time regardless? Why is there a need for perfection or bust? Why not just sweep the firt floor off for the moment and leave the flooring for a weekday after? I know that the dirt floor is not perfect just yet..and you are expecting it to be. You go all hair raising poofta when people are drifting about on the air currents when they arnt doing the whats and wheres youd rather they do... And yet, what are you expecting when they cannot rely on the chick feed you provide? Not everyone can use chick feed the very way you would intend it, you know... Even i know that can be the worst .. but what is there to be done by it now?

Maybe im just not seeing a connection where i feel one should be. Hrm.

Ok..so i know i have been...quite s bit less than stellar of late... I feel like my world is in upheaval and i have no words to explain any of it. Figgin vultures are takin Bites outa me!! (Hey, does that make me so much roadkill? Ok, so ehhh allagory.)

I need an assist of an electronic sort so i can better see..and maybe a ruler or two. I get told one is avalable..and yet it never makes it out of the closet.. one more thing which is in another persons court, on someone elses gotta-do list. And not knowing the job requirements and noone can tell you just what it is thats expected. It just is. Why is so much expected for little to no return? Why is a 2-hand carry task expected when one hand needs to be tied to your knee? Thats what i dont get. I need a freaking ladder to get to that portal, you know.. yet peoples are expecting me to fly there. What was it, you said, wheres the money gone? I need a fishing pole here, not just a stinky fish!! The fish is greeaat if all i needed was food for the day. .... Ok...theres something. I need a ladder. Something secure...it doesnt have to be fancy or anything... Just something i can use to get me up there.... Make up some distance... A way to get away... Just for a bit. Trust. I know... Its not easy to do that..how well i know. But thats what we need at this end. We need a ladder, free and clear of push-back. Like the guilded bird cage for the bird...a place of security... (Well..maybe thats too far ) but how to convey this to the ones with more hang-ups than a walk-in closet?

Especially when they dont really trust you? They arnt going to take it well if you think to just buy a solution and then shove them into a closet. They arnt going to give you a perfect wall if they are untried..not even if they are mason apprentices. I know.. i know.. atm..we arnt even tried bird watchers..nevermind masons. ..we dont even have the bricks.so... long story maybe just a bit shorter... We need something clear..and writen down.. we need the materials..no matter how important we think it is. (I know you did say..is there anything else?) *Takes a breath* i know you did say that... And i should have spoken up then. My bad. Atm im not sure of just what i need...and doubtful you wont just wash it under the table as unimportant just now...again. even as i can understand the other side of that..part of the reason i dont feel enabled. No real desire to get into -any- of it atm... My world is in upheaval. Just excuses, ... right? 

Geez!  Did i just talk myself into a circle?

Still didnt get a whole lot of sleep.. just mornin ache again.

psycobabble

The other evening, i watched a movie the was a bit of a tearjerker. It was about a kid, grown up in an abusive household. His dad was...a rather ... Grouchy old fellow who had been through a gauntlet of hard knocks...and bitterly tried to instill it in on his son. The grew up and did take on some of those "lessons". Naturally, i about balled tearfully in empathy of the boy working his way into adulthood with those negative brainwashing lessons coming back at him. And then really tore open the tear puddle inside when his dad got cancer..tried to make things right..and died. 

Similar stripes in my own life really. Although it wasnt pa who got the cancer. But i think neither the great mugwumpus, nor me, ever quite got over the death of his lady love. I think the wumpus was finally glad he could draw his long life to a close. Im sure he had regrets. I certainly have a few. I hope he got to meet up with his love in heaven. I think in a way, he did try to make up for the past...for what he could activly recall of it anyway. Meanwhile, look at the boxes of stowed away anger and hurt others still carry in grudge from this... Who suffers most from hiding those away? Not the wumpus..not anymore anyway. At least i got to tell him i love him...and forgave him for whatever i might have still have concerning that past time. forgiveness, i have found is -really- difficult to pull off. Especially if its not only a lot to let go of ..but its been around a very long time really. Its like it all.. got comfortable or... petrified itself to the cabnet like some looong forgotten cough lozenge or somehing.

As for missing mom... I do..still...alot...as evidenced by the size of the puddle of tears i keep adding to every year around this time. Think it might be a salty lake by the time i get around to dumping it out. Bet i could toss it into the ocean and it still wouldnt do a thing to its allaround level tho. Lol

It just goes on and on, doesnt it? These last few years have been really really rough for a lot of people. Homelessness sucks..especially with the lack of food on the grocers shelves...and the lack of jobs to be had...and now, no way to aford to move the run-down heaps that get us to the store and work. *Yelling up and the supposed head of government* hey you up there! Knock it off!! No one appreciates what you are doing and have done already, its not a gaff and its not funny!! Your being an idiot!! Get off the platform already!! Bloody seusian turtle thinks hes doing well, in charge of all he surveys..when its just a lot of well mashed insane mud by this time. I'm tired of being trampled upon!!. And for all you blinders who are tellin him he's king..youv had your say.. get off your high horse, shut up, sit down, and let someone else take the reins for awhile, youv already made a mess of things as it stands...and if you think the guy at the podium isnt making any sence..just take a listen to yourself!! Poor people are sposta magicly afford to buy an electric vehicle to get around now? Even many in the middle class cant aford that on a good day. And for some odd reason, you think taking money from the high-ups and our protectors are somehow going to make it safer for everyone and wont affect the lower classes itl just give the gov more money to spend? Seriously?!! What planet are you from?.. cause you aparently arnt from this one. The elites will simply do what they want, to avoid it..as they have always done..and itll trickle its way down to the street level...like it always has done...and guess who ends up paying the price? We do. stop spending and giving away our hard earned assets to people outside our country..at least untill our country stops screaming from the sacrifices its already had to endure!! And thats from the street level, ya morons... With a whole lot of new souls coming in everyday that are having to suffer with us cuz we -all- have to eat!! You still dont get it? Or are you still holding hands over yer ears while screaming yer own problems into the air and blaming everyone in the world but the ones actually responsible for the issue?

Geez peoples! Stop the hate already! Alright?...its not going to solve anything. (Takes a breath) take a chill pill, reorginize thoughts. Howling on the soapbox aside for the moment.. I dont hate ya. I dont hate who you are, where yer from, how long you have been here or if you know how to swim or not. Have a pool tube. Its all fine. We, in the trenches, can be like family.. try to get along with one another in this mess thats been created around us. On the local level, most of us really do get along fine with eachother, pretty much like we always have. When i was a kid, i had not the slightest notion there where people being mean to others on a massive scale. (Deadly mean, even) I neither expected to apologize to those others..nor expected one from them. My 'world was quite a bit smaller than it is today...and yet, i still see no reason why i should be apoligizing to others for what those others did, nor expecting them to apologize to me at a time i had no idea as to what they did...even if it was a horrible thing ...and those people are long gone by this point..and any apology they might give is kind of..well..lost its potency really. Still..people today, could probably learn a lot from the horrible things done in the past.. and avoid repeating them ...if those mistakes havent already been wiped out or changed from the facts of the occurence within time. People have tried to do that, you know. Wiping something from the history books..only to find themselves repeating the same stupid thing again ..over and over and over again...like a really horrible retake of 'groundhog day'. I am not my gpa's gpa (+ a few years...or so) and neither are you. So stop expecting me to apologize for something he might or might not have done a long time ago. And i wont be expecting it from you either. Neither of us was actually there..and from what i have read, it was a pretty lousey thing to do to another person. neither of us has plans for a repeat of that horror regardless. Right? Now,...about those trafficers waltzing through the portal earlier today with thier braceletted caughts in tow..... 

Ok...i feel somewhat better. *steps off the 'soapbox*

The horrible hazards of being hard of hearing...being considered a loud arse in a noisy place because i simply cannot hear you,.. or me either, to be able to tell just how loud or quiet im being. Its a real issue. Seriously.

old worn out shirt n shoes...king of the road

Today or tomorrow is another moving day... Someone has givin us a roof.. just need to put it in place and hope its not going to be a baking tin in our wonderful 100 degree southern summer weather. Once more consoliding a storage room for another better year of nonuse. Cant think about just how many mistakes i have made just in the last little while...with no portals anywhere in sight. And no way to really get there even if i could find one.

Had a troubled dream last night of chewing out the past. So angry i was practicly screaming. I was face down and breathing hard into my pillow.

(Truely, i cant breathe pillow!) 

I hope this proves to be a better, low overhead from which to restart from. I hope i can settle in from there and get back to trying to make things better...i tire of all of this uncertainty!

Im getting the idea that the closer i am, the more horrible the mistakes. That really cant be true though.. i make those horrendous mistakes no matter what.

This country has gone mad..maybe ive started to go mad alongside it. .. but wholey for my own nonreasons.

another abrupt change to living..

Yep...here we go again. Another move.. nowhere to go.

And a rant. Just how can someone be of any real sense in saying that the messilly hand written page is easier to transcribe onto a computer page than is a nicely typed page you can just cut n paste with? I just really really dont get that!!! I know, i know, what difference does it really make? But.. it does make a difference to me!! Maybe im just rediculously dumb about little stuff in that it drives me batty in not understanding just why its just not understandable to me. And here i am being thrown a "get over it!" (Which is rude, to say the least.) And having to grumble my way into self-imposed seclusion.

And..since i am makin the noise.... Dont ever assume that just because you have been talking about and wanting a special something..and its gotten, that its actually all yours. Dunno just why that feels a bit like someone is lording something over another...it just does.

Ok..atm..at the church...less privacy... Living all in one room, getting food from another... Crampt...and grumbly. Feeling at once ill-temperd today, and rather like crying.

Today, we got to see a possibility. Very interresting dynamics to the area. Could you live in an old cinderblock house with tin roofing under big ol trees waay out near a lake? The damp earthy smell of mugginess and shade throughout the heat of summer in nowheresville... An old hippie commune..trash to treasure...was there even a mailbox in the area? Trailers old old old  under tall thick trees, campers that have been there for years hidden behind better mobile homes . There was a friendly foor-footed sort, that came by to say hello, and welcome to the area.  And thats always a good sign.

...and just to say i said so,..yes, there is such a thing as useless bumbling and rambling on.... I engage in it regularly, it seems.

I need a new home. Someplace comfortable.. secure...safe... That isnt some elses home. I need a job im secure in. Something i can do...reliably.. that i dont need to compete too much in .. something others might find helpful.

And another gripe...example..you caught poison oak in a bad spot..not to say..all spots are bad when it comes to poison oak... And the person with the purse strings could..get you the drying agent you need to clear it up. Your misribles and uncomforable., So you ask them to plz plz pick ut a bit of that drying agent..along with a few other things you need..like toothpaste and bandaids..the person gets everything but the drying agent you need. You ask again..maybe they had issues finding any... Maybe it costs a lot... But after the third time of asking...first time you got a toothbrush...second time was the rest of what you asked for..but for the drying agent...but no..they didnt get that item because it was thought you wernt really in need of it. You tried to explain that it would dry the area and work toward healing and you wouldnt be so unhappy...but it had no real effect..you simply dont need it in the eyes of the one who held the means to making things a bit easier on you. Why? ...good question. And what can you really do about it? That poison itchy crap isnt about to go away without help. Ointment does little to no help if you are sweating and itchy. Just continues to spread aroundanother one of those things that happen and i just dont get it ..at all. Why would you want someone else to suffer when you could just get it cleared up, no real trouble at all?

and the beat goes on..

..la dee da dee dahh ..la dee da dee dahh

In Minecraft... the server I play on..
moved a few boxes around today. put some saddles downstairs....
got a few more litchens.... forgot where i put them...
put iron blocks into a box downstairs...

checked out the news.. still boring...still going on....

went to genshin impact... after having to reload again. finally remembered my hotkeys..
moved over my dailies into a new area. then relized it was better where i had it.. forgot how i moved it. *slap forehead*

went to mabi... thankfully remembered to permi my new wings before the event ended.
going back into hiatis with them... at least until they get an interesting prize for an interesting event.

might try to catch up (hahahaha!) in duolingo... ohh that was funny *wipes tears of laughter*

considering a few semi fav games, like timberborn or a return to rimworld.
dunno

still poofta over sims 4. have to be online to play it.. and have to be the only one up in the house to keep from lagging everyone. its not that fun.

my time on seems limited.. and dragged out. still not entirely sure if thats a good thing or not. feeling restless and .. sad really, over the whole thing.

March Marches On

Not much to say about the new year for me (being 3 mos in., but for... more of the blehks.... years worth of blehks. Not really the best time for a portal user to be paying attention. yepyep.. thats about it. sooo... in a sudden panic, i headed for the nearest escape portal and ...

ok, at first, only the bare bones basics gave me anything to hold onto... pretty open world... which i really like... but things quickly became most confusing.. there really wasnt much explained.. the horridness of which was where do you get all the 'currency' it was asking for. like the, objects you needed to give to the statues to level them up.... and what happens should you actually manage to do so... and what about weapons? how do you get better? defense?.. is there such a thing? lots of questions.. after a little bit, i put it down and returned to portals i better knew for a time... but now I'm back, and already much is improved. several questions have been answered.. others are still out there. but i have hope i'll get them figured out before too long.

Genshin Impact

free to play but for the things called wishes and such. a bit heavy on the graphics but sooo awesome! theres a fair bit to do... and quite a bit of room to do it in as well. its a big place. you have an option between 2 siblings who become seperated at the start of the intro. you then meet other characters 3 of which you add to your party. each one has thier own unique skills.. and you can quickly switch between them to best effect. there are quests to get through.. puzzles and badguys.. and random chests with useful treasure and food to gather. Thus far i have spent considerable time running here to gliding there peeking into every glade, along every shore and into every tree just to see what all there is. the monsters will present a good chalenge when encountered, no matter the level you might be. Experience and coin can be found within quests, as well as just being out there, pickin up foods, cooking, talking to npcs, questing, learning the history.... in the cities, towns and the countryside. you can learn alchemy, cooking recipes, the benefit of artifacts, you can check out the tourist shops, your local adventurers guild, or ..something about furniture? or just run or glide about untill you stumple upon a storyline to follow. just have a care for the weather. it's well worth it to check out if you have a computer that can handle it.

Nappy yew Hear!!

here it is.. 2020(yet again..as well.. also) are we stuck in a loop? is it a groundhog day like the movie? first we had 2020, then we had 2020(once) and now here it is 2020(too) once again. sure hope we get whatever it is right this time.

This year i got a gift or two, one of which was access to finally get to play the Sims 4. I had been really looking forward to this. all the new options i had head about! now, by this time, i would hope that, if you have been following along here, you might have some idea just how much i lothe games who profess to be offline games yet really are online ones.. some being worse than others. unfortunatly for me, im not able to remain online forever.. i lose connect due to issues with the provider, with repair folks, with a job, or other means of income. I liked how it once was, when I was able to spend some of that forced downtime playing a game i enjoy, untill i could get back online. why are game makers changing that? gone are the days you could buy a game, take it home, plug it in and ready for play! now a-days even if the game is still the same in essence, but you have to be on-line to play it? another play-around with copy protection?
I can apreciate the need to get online for updates and such, it makes sence. but the Sims has taken that 'you need updates' to a whole new level. not only do you need a connection to the net to start the game, but you need to be on steam, and you need to be constantly on the whole time you are playing. its shtupieeed! so now, not only can i not count on the sims for play-anytime but i have half a doz hoops to jump through everytime i do play. (and all this besides the growing price for new content.)makes we wonder if its worth it to even try... the Sims 4 may just be my last actual sight of the game series.
the Sims is not an mmo... it wasnt created as such... I guess it -could- be.. with enough changes... but thus far, it isnt. much like some great games of the recient past. or some in the present who should be... but thats a whole different gripe.

Thus far anyway.. ol Minecraft's offline play is still possible... but they have made it less obvious. I actually had to search under 'new version connections' to find the offline play link. Now that they have 'moved over' to Microsoft.. its startin to look to me, it wont be long before we are going to have to pay per month to be allowed past the launcher screen. Dumb move Mojang. Not only that but all in the name of what was it you said? security? Microsoft? security? bhahaha! you must be kidding me! security for who? certainly not for us... the consumers. you been living under a big rock this whole time if you think Microsoft is secure for us. was this supposed to be another one of those 'for the greater good' things? more like one of those 'to good to be true' things, if you ask me.

and speaking of thought-provoking gripes... Mass Formation Psychosis. Get past all the fribbin hate! I'm just sayin...

nuff'said. XD

*Gingerly steps off the "polo-ticks" soap-(gritty kitty litter)-box*

Within the portals of minecraft, life goes on... I'm lonely.. so its to the online world i go.. where I have to wait... for, as usual, the mods to catch up. -sigh- I wanna see all the new land styles, wanna learn where all the ores have gotten to.. and i have to wait, when do we get to see it already? by the time they all catch up, the ninny warden is gunna be in the dark deep! I hate waiting! and I dont wanna have to run into the big ugly just to catch sight of all the cool new landscapes! the warden isn't even here yet, and already has been banned off my single player. Gunna have enough trouble just getting around the new changes, don't need another mega-mob to run into. the deepdark is scary enough. blehh *taps fingernails on the desk grumbling*

Maybe its the kind of day... thus far this weekend, its been Freezing out! *cuddles in blanket* a weekend cold snap anyone? and we just had a lot of rain too.. I was totally hoping for a little snow to help give a reason for all this cold...but noo....
this is best known in the south, as a weather phych. Mother Nature is just building us up to phych us out. threatening to do something horrible, nasty, and downright mean.. only to laugh at the last second as the sun comes out and dashes away all of the clouds before noon.