second verse..same as the first...

Had a bit of a head gasket blow last evening... With all the steam release, youd think the place was a sauna rather than an ice house which was what was hoped for in this oppressive heat. Now really, i guess i can see the frustration.. i get how that can be. Tired of the delay... And it feels like nothing is gunna happen if i dont say anything. He wants to see it happen! And yet..its always something, isnt it? Yeah, i get that.

For my own part..the portal is pretty much completely out of reach right now. Its waay the flock up there and i dont so much as own a ladder. And while i stand here trying to figure out how to get up there..i gots more issues arriving like buzzards to a feast of roadkill. Every other day yet another one of those ugly feathered fiends is waddling to get a bit closer.. and they havent a single care in the world if i can reach that portal or not. They have nothing to do with it.

Now, me, as typical when im feeling overwhelmed..not that hard to do, really. I take to places i can vent..trying to sort it all out aloud. Sorry, for those who live in such venting spots..you get to hear all my griping and none of the better stuff of the life of a portal hopper. Sorry. Its not fair on you. Normally, im not the sort of confronting assertive gregarious  types you might find a reason to rely on in this business, i waaay prefer to just let others who are like that, take over that position of experience...while i stick to what i know. And i know, givin that preference, that not all the monkeys will willingly hang out in the barrel for very long. There will always be a few swinging overhead. My but they can and do get frustrating.

So..why is there flack being thrown into the air just now? Why not just ignore the small stuff swinging about the place and get the door open in time regardless? Why is there a need for perfection or bust? Why not just sweep the firt floor off for the moment and leave the flooring for a weekday after? I know that the dirt floor is not perfect just yet..and you are expecting it to be. You go all hair raising poofta when people are drifting about on the air currents when they arnt doing the whats and wheres youd rather they do... And yet, what are you expecting when they cannot rely on the chick feed you provide? Not everyone can use chick feed the very way you would intend it, you know... Even i know that can be the worst .. but what is there to be done by it now?

Maybe im just not seeing a connection where i feel one should be. Hrm.

Ok..so i know i have been...quite s bit less than stellar of late... I feel like my world is in upheaval and i have no words to explain any of it. Figgin vultures are takin Bites outa me!! (Hey, does that make me so much roadkill? Ok, so ehhh allagory.)

I need an assist of an electronic sort so i can better see..and maybe a ruler or two. I get told one is avalable..and yet it never makes it out of the closet.. one more thing which is in another persons court, on someone elses gotta-do list. And not knowing the job requirements and noone can tell you just what it is thats expected. It just is. Why is so much expected for little to no return? Why is a 2-hand carry task expected when one hand needs to be tied to your knee? Thats what i dont get. I need a freaking ladder to get to that portal, you know.. yet peoples are expecting me to fly there. What was it, you said, wheres the money gone? I need a fishing pole here, not just a stinky fish!! The fish is greeaat if all i needed was food for the day. .... Ok...theres something. I need a ladder. Something secure...it doesnt have to be fancy or anything... Just something i can use to get me up there.... Make up some distance... A way to get away... Just for a bit. Trust. I know... Its not easy to do that..how well i know. But thats what we need at this end. We need a ladder, free and clear of push-back. Like the guilded bird cage for the bird...a place of security... (Well..maybe thats too far ) but how to convey this to the ones with more hang-ups than a walk-in closet?

Especially when they dont really trust you? They arnt going to take it well if you think to just buy a solution and then shove them into a closet. They arnt going to give you a perfect wall if they are untried..not even if they are mason apprentices. I know.. i know.. atm..we arnt even tried bird watchers..nevermind masons. ..we dont even have the bricks.so... long story maybe just a bit shorter... We need something clear..and writen down.. we need the materials..no matter how important we think it is. (I know you did say..is there anything else?) *Takes a breath* i know you did say that... And i should have spoken up then. My bad. Atm im not sure of just what i need...and doubtful you wont just wash it under the table as unimportant just now...again. even as i can understand the other side of that..part of the reason i dont feel enabled. No real desire to get into -any- of it atm... My world is in upheaval. Just excuses, ... right? 

Geez!  Did i just talk myself into a circle?

Still didnt get a whole lot of sleep.. just mornin ache again.

psycobabble

The other evening, i watched a movie the was a bit of a tearjerker. It was about a kid, grown up in an abusive household. His dad was...a rather ... Grouchy old fellow who had been through a gauntlet of hard knocks...and bitterly tried to instill it in on his son. The grew up and did take on some of those "lessons". Naturally, i about balled tearfully in empathy of the boy working his way into adulthood with those negative brainwashing lessons coming back at him. And then really tore open the tear puddle inside when his dad got cancer..tried to make things right..and died. 

Similar stripes in my own life really. Although it wasnt pa who got the cancer. But i think neither the great mugwumpus, nor me, ever quite got over the death of his lady love. I think the wumpus was finally glad he could draw his long life to a close. Im sure he had regrets. I certainly have a few. I hope he got to meet up with his love in heaven. I think in a way, he did try to make up for the past...for what he could activly recall of it anyway. Meanwhile, look at the boxes of stowed away anger and hurt others still carry in grudge from this... Who suffers most from hiding those away? Not the wumpus..not anymore anyway. At least i got to tell him i love him...and forgave him for whatever i might have still have concerning that past time. forgiveness, i have found is -really- difficult to pull off. Especially if its not only a lot to let go of ..but its been around a very long time really. Its like it all.. got comfortable or... petrified itself to the cabnet like some looong forgotten cough lozenge or somehing.

As for missing mom... I do..still...alot...as evidenced by the size of the puddle of tears i keep adding to every year around this time. Think it might be a salty lake by the time i get around to dumping it out. Bet i could toss it into the ocean and it still wouldnt do a thing to its allaround level tho. Lol

It just goes on and on, doesnt it? These last few years have been really really rough for a lot of people. Homelessness sucks..especially with the lack of food on the grocers shelves...and the lack of jobs to be had...and now, no way to aford to move the run-down heaps that get us to the store and work. *Yelling up and the supposed head of government* hey you up there! Knock it off!! No one appreciates what you are doing and have done already, its not a gaff and its not funny!! Your being an idiot!! Get off the platform already!! Bloody seusian turtle thinks hes doing well, in charge of all he surveys..when its just a lot of well mashed insane mud by this time. I'm tired of being trampled upon!!. And for all you blinders who are tellin him he's king..youv had your say.. get off your high horse, shut up, sit down, and let someone else take the reins for awhile, youv already made a mess of things as it stands...and if you think the guy at the podium isnt making any sence..just take a listen to yourself!! Poor people are sposta magicly afford to buy an electric vehicle to get around now? Even many in the middle class cant aford that on a good day. And for some odd reason, you think taking money from the high-ups and our protectors are somehow going to make it safer for everyone and wont affect the lower classes itl just give the gov more money to spend? Seriously?!! What planet are you from?.. cause you aparently arnt from this one. The elites will simply do what they want, to avoid it..as they have always done..and itll trickle its way down to the street level...like it always has done...and guess who ends up paying the price? We do. stop spending and giving away our hard earned assets to people outside our country..at least untill our country stops screaming from the sacrifices its already had to endure!! And thats from the street level, ya morons... With a whole lot of new souls coming in everyday that are having to suffer with us cuz we -all- have to eat!! You still dont get it? Or are you still holding hands over yer ears while screaming yer own problems into the air and blaming everyone in the world but the ones actually responsible for the issue?

Geez peoples! Stop the hate already! Alright?...its not going to solve anything. (Takes a breath) take a chill pill, reorginize thoughts. Howling on the soapbox aside for the moment.. I dont hate ya. I dont hate who you are, where yer from, how long you have been here or if you know how to swim or not. Have a pool tube. Its all fine. We, in the trenches, can be like family.. try to get along with one another in this mess thats been created around us. On the local level, most of us really do get along fine with eachother, pretty much like we always have. When i was a kid, i had not the slightest notion there where people being mean to others on a massive scale. (Deadly mean, even) I neither expected to apologize to those others..nor expected one from them. My 'world was quite a bit smaller than it is today...and yet, i still see no reason why i should be apoligizing to others for what those others did, nor expecting them to apologize to me at a time i had no idea as to what they did...even if it was a horrible thing ...and those people are long gone by this point..and any apology they might give is kind of..well..lost its potency really. Still..people today, could probably learn a lot from the horrible things done in the past.. and avoid repeating them ...if those mistakes havent already been wiped out or changed from the facts of the occurence within time. People have tried to do that, you know. Wiping something from the history books..only to find themselves repeating the same stupid thing again ..over and over and over again...like a really horrible retake of 'groundhog day'. I am not my gpa's gpa (+ a few years...or so) and neither are you. So stop expecting me to apologize for something he might or might not have done a long time ago. And i wont be expecting it from you either. Neither of us was actually there..and from what i have read, it was a pretty lousey thing to do to another person. neither of us has plans for a repeat of that horror regardless. Right? Now,...about those trafficers waltzing through the portal earlier today with thier braceletted caughts in tow..... 

Ok...i feel somewhat better. *steps off the 'soapbox*

The horrible hazards of being hard of hearing...being considered a loud arse in a noisy place because i simply cannot hear you,.. or me either, to be able to tell just how loud or quiet im being. Its a real issue. Seriously.