Starting to think I might need to get tested for dementia, maybe random havana syndrome, or somesuch. I still don't believe the great mugwup had ended with the problem they said he did. I know I have said as much, but.. maybe it was just about splitting hairs on my part.
I doubt myself for making no sence...just thinking I do. someone gave me three words... and I thought to remember them for the next time I needed to recall.. and not 2 minutes later I could only recall the first one. The other day I sang a song out loud.. and was embarrissed to think i might have sung it off-key. !! I was mortified. the other evening, I told someone something I thought was terribly interresting... thought I might have embellished the story a bit.. and i only got a Hmm.. in responce. Again, I was confused and a bit embarrissed. I didnt hear a word i expected, so thought to provide it.. and got an eyeroll. "of course, I knew that all along!" my tendency to repeat things.. as if saying them once wasnt clear enough... especially old stories... which should be quite well known by now. was I lying?..embellishing? when asked what I thought might be a "prove it" suggestion, I got irate and said I no longer cared about any of that. Have i forgotten some of those things I said? are things I think still relevant, not any longer? is it just to me? I doubt myself. how many times of late has the English language, "not been with me"? and how many times ..of late... have i gotten up, not sleepy in the slightest, only to find myself nodding off a moment later? a faulty gene? I'm rather frightened in public.. or when talking, afraid I'm making no real sence... that I'm losing something... something important... that imbellishments i might have said.. or forgotten might be exposed. I have stopped my language learning because I feel I cannot retain any of it. i look at a word, and can no more identify it now, then i could some 7 years ago. I have, of late, often felt panic rising within me, at having forgotten something... or that, as if i had intentionally lied as my sister often asserted, sometime in the distant past, will get discovered. so I hush.. hoping not to be "called upon." Things I might have said, or ugly things that have happened in hazy history, I have spept (swept)aside, intentionally, saying I'll think on it another time.. and never to do it again. its just.. whatever it was.. gone.. like a wisp of steam, in my mind.
...... am I fogetting something? .......
talk aabout having an 'off' day. sheesh... and whats with all the typos?!
edit/update... yepyep mental health is a thing... looking back with realization..how many times already? and looking forward with a shiver of anxiety...and.. I dont want to worry... i dont want to think so much into things, i mean. what if its just me? and yet... they say dont ignore early signs... look at it this way... a person to who loves do certain thing, no longer does them... things that could prove embarrissing, slipping from one thought to another in the middle of a chat, that makes people (everyone but you) do a mental "wait, what?" and well into it, later, do you catch it... i was talking about "how long one boiles eggs, not potatoes." is it just a woopsy? what if it happens over and over again? is it still just amusing? do excuses still work? "I stopped simply because i felt i was going nowhere with it." does it feel like it's.. if there's something more to it? or are things, for you starting to add up to fear of something bigger and its all just... nothing, and yer just jumping over molehills again? if it just me, being exadurent and fearful? (I'm pretty sure you get the meaning in that 'word' regardless of its made-upness.) I blame it all of something else.. just dont care to know anymore... just can't see my way through it, im just tired.. a lot. or maybe.. I simply didn't get the answer I expected.. i didnt understand the answer i got...
feelings checklist.. fear, anxiety, difficulties, not up to the task, loss, a desire to let someone else take over. giving in. giving up? uncomfy, leaning away, sad, tearful, angry, frustrated, flussered, rolling eyes, where do i go from here? do i? trying to shut up more... and more often.
I'm so sorry. :(
