i just cant believe hed say that.

The other day..well, evening... I was in the car chatting with someone i trust. There was the subject that came up about a computer i was storing along with others in a room he was paying for..for safe keeping. I voiced a desire for its use in a project i was working on. He didnt think it was a good idea because that put it in proximity of another person, who might just abscond with it. Now its an older computer..and not the grandest thing at that, but i thought it might just give me that boost i felt i needed to get my project moving. So i assured him that i would keep close tabs on it..i had no thoughts to have it taken from me.. i would assert myself should anyone try anything. I am quite capible of holding my own, as he knew... Besides i have good reasoned doubts this other person would grab it physicly out of my hands. But this person, i trust, that i had put the computer into the storage with.. seemed to think i was defying 'his rules', upsurping his control, and threw me an ultimatum... saying he would not allow me to take the computer out of the storage. Thats it. Full stop.

I was surprised and quite dismayed. Does he not trust me to hang onto my own computer? Why would he refuse me the chance to do with my own item as i wanted? If i wanted to, i could give that computer away. I could throw it out... I could replate it in gold! Its my computer! Not his. (As it is, and he knows this full well, this computer was a gift to me from someone else..completely unrelated to this..and i wont just give a gift away from someone i valued, without a great deal of thought first.)The storage area is his, i suppose.. and he is just denying me access to the computer. Why would he do this? Do i now have to guard my computer from him?

I am mystified. Should i just give the thing away now, just so itd stop being an issue? Why cant i just use it like i want?  -sigh- i just figured itd make things easier for my project...i mean, i guess its not all that important... Hed rather i just..not do anything to advance that which i said i'd do? People would get pretty frustrated with me, im positive. I would much rather do what i can to avoid the blame that i know is coming. To avoid the confrontation and even if it was one in which this other person is responsible for (for not getting a computer i can use), i would as well..because im not being paid for the effort of working on the project...but for the results of the project. Its confusing, i know.

I have not truly been enabled in this project. The other person has been putting thier efforts elsewhere and my project is just one of many that are going on... And not too important to the whole, really. So they have not put a whole lot of thought toward it. I would be taking my own initiative by using my own computer, to make the whole project work. ..to at least know it 'can' work...if i had a working computer for it. Atm  i just dont know if itl work with a computer or not. Bare bones, itl work with a phone..but maybe not that great? I have no way to tell without trying. But givin that i dont have a computer in which to try..because i cannot now get my old computer out of storage... And the laptop i do have, is too small to use for this... Im stuck. Wiv or wet wiv.

What a pain. -.-. I -want- to see to the results of this project! To know that i -can- make it work!. To be able to say i did something!

Instead im sitting here, parked butt in a room, for the last...how long has it been now? ... Months. And done not a single thing, this whole time.

(Heavy sigh). Ok... I know this is just venting at this point..rl issues... I am..agreeved, upset, flustered, ....annoyed! Not a good day for me.

Edit: On this day.. friday Aug 12 2022...

I am feeling.... sad atm... And a little bit paranoid and flustered. Dont know quite what to do with me.