getting lost in thoughts.

Not sure just where to start..or end here. It isnt just forgetting things.. it isnt just forgetting but losing all the links to things.

The grand mugwump .. had a condition which he may have shared with me. And im not real sure i apreciate it. Not that i believe he did so with full cognition, mind you. Not sure he even knew what was happening. Such a gradual thing really. Its little things that slip by. What was that word? Guess ill remember it later...just need to keep it in mind. What was..uh.. getting ..keeping focused.. one thing at a time, now. I remember her, of course i do.. just.. uh.. i know her face.. just cant recall at the moment... simple things.. ohyeah..she was.. wasnt she..? -Sigh- i couldnt recall her name just then, thats all. Or i might..verbaly be talking to someone and suddenly realize, i might be mumbling incoherently or sluring my words, having to pause for a moment, take a breath, and start again. Hoping i remembered the reason i started the topic and its importance. Setting a plate down and being told theres another plate under it... recalling a song i was fond of, and hearing myself singing completely off key! Or being asked if i remember someone...who looked familiar. Im so confused! I looked at a sentence, looked again...and again... couldnt remember the sentence... or misremembered it. The other day, i watched three movies on tv ...went to tell someone and couldnt recall the title of the third one...at all. Getting soo angry because someone didnt recall how much i have a problem with being alone after dark. Why did they not know that? Why was it even theyr problem to recall that in the first place? And at other times, i can recall an unresolved problem i had, like it was yesterday. With such sharp biting detail, even. And yet i get such confusion when its not recalled by who im talking to about it. (It wasnt that long ago! ... was it? ) of not  recalling even a word of what i studied and written down several times over the course of several years. 

And by being unclear and frightened of..where do i go from here?

Use it or lose it does apply here.. doesnt it?

random words..or are they?

Words.....

Spitefulness, stinging, anger, snot, piss, vinegar,  ungratefulness, unhappiness, bitter, blame, self-righteous, indignation, negativity, pessimistic, offence, regret, violence, 

In use...

The ungrateful snot. Never learning from mistakes, own worst critic, Laughing at vs laughing with.Tears of the crocodile. Pointing fingers, burdens to sholder. Whose fault is it. One-sided viewpoint. Not listening. Can't/won't see. 

Possible replacements....

Love, bright, light, simplistic, a new day, a better attitude, positivity, forgiveness, 

Someone, somewhere said... Let it go.

another time around the wheel

The changing of the seasons. From the spin cycle to broilling. And still nothing to show. And, as usual, nowhere to go from here.

 Was watching the blacklist 4th season... he was a good bad guy. She was unforgiving...completely. somethings/people are like that, i suppose. Dont give a chance when it really matters. Different perspectives.

I had to leave the portal i have been hanging out at. Someones being a monopoly barron, and getting away with it. Nothing i can do. Already low. And yet all the minor mugwumps are still complaining over a lack of opp, for them. Heh. Still years done and gone are forever being dredged up as if they were new news. There was no apologizing then and theres nothing now as well. Just more of the same. Like a tiny winged pest pf a skeeto flying up your nose again and again. Theres not even a single portal around any longer... and im soo tired of trying.

bad news travels in packs

Had an event, middle of the night. People saw flames.. and the electricity took a dive for several days. So its cold, wet and dark.. and im alone. probably a worst fear for me to experience. At my age, youd have thought id already gotten past childish fears like this but...alas.. its an uncertain time.. and no real security. ... ill hang on somehow and will look back at this and maybe roll my eyes. Crap just keeps happening! How frustrating. Merry christmas!

Its the new year and nothing has changed. Its the same old struggle. Ive been trying to stay "checked out" feeling like change is coming, but not for the better. And yet, trying soo hard to not look. As if by not looking, i can deny its existence. I want to talk and yet theres nothing for me to say... and the feeling like theres no one to say it to anyway. Too busy, too sick, too blind.

another day, another space.

Think im finally getting kinda used to it. Its not the best side of life in the no-zone..its not even close to it, but its amazing what one will put up with really, just to continue standing upright. Even as i still kind of empathize with the so sad dude in the tent. What a huge pile of dead lemons... not even worthy of lemonade. And yet.. the portal is still there. I can still make out its promise by its electric purple glow and swirl. Just seems really lonely atm and i dont want to take it. Last moment jitters before the plunge into icy waters, i suppose. So i keep on keeping on..hoping for something a little better. Heres to tomorrows hope!

Today, darks and i descovered,that someone has land-grabbed our village at blue portal. I first questioned chat as to the rules related just how far away from another claim one needs to be. They insisted one block. So i flipped by orange to speak with loopy.. but she was leaving and sent another, Zy, to do the job in her place. Zy suggested we send the interloper a msg and ask them to vacate. Zy said if they refuse well just have to expand in one of the other directions. (Since they are within 100 blocks.. and was on earlier that day.)  We sit at the edge of a plains biome, facing a whole lot of ice spikes. I was diapointed to hear that, about having to expand into the ice again.. (I think i was also having a rather cruddy day) having run head-first into my expectations, i pretty much packed up on blue, rather like i felt like doing on green portal. It wasent the day to be in the portals at all, i suppose. I was at low energy as it was and i was straining to maintain my neutrality. So i left blue then..darks was giving me a "who cares" aditude..which prolly should have been my m.o. as well but, damn it all! I did care! I was pissy!. So i moved over to green to sulk a bit and what to my wondering eyes should apear but a huge ugly wall just beyond my claim. Fog claimed his reason was he had found a trials chamber, and did some mining. I had the thought that i should just delete claim and go find another spot. But..instead, i went to mangrove base and added to the claim there. Darks and i were on different sides about that spot. She left it before i did. And confessed she wasnt going to stay next to the wall...maybe visit once in awhile but not stay. So atm.. im thinking of unattaching claim to both blue and green portals. Sigh.. i dunno.. guess ill just let go of the village the clear most of my sweet house in the snow and let it sit awhile.

Have to give the mangrove another look. Maybe clear it out a bit.. prepare it to be abandoned.

another day of summer heat.

Feeling a tiny bit sorry for myself today..i just spent several days alone and the moment i have to excercize my voice (to talk) with someone in the  room with me, i get the oh gawd, roll-eyed, long suffering look, complete with sigh.. And they headed off again, saying little to me. And im back to being alone again. I guess i dont have anything of any worth to say. Either that or somebody is being a crappy friend.  Maybe both. My eyes hurt as well.. which hasnt improved my mood. Happy day indeed.

continuing drama

      Same sort of situation in a different spot. At least the wrapping looks a little different. Starting all over again still smarts.. and even the new portals are making me think again, if its worth the look-see.

I read a short story the other day. It started out simple and grey and before i realized it, it got all mud-bogged. It wasnt a very good story really.  It was about two best friends and a third, who they both thought was such a good friend at first, who sowed seeds of hate between them. And who ended up blackmailing and defrauding them both while they blamed eachother for the problem and the loss. In the end, with thier very lives at stake, only then, that they realize the truth of it all.

Its was bad at the start and only seemed to get worse and worse as the story went on. You can just imagine the ending before it did.

Adressing a concern.. Dude! You were doing so well!  But the %'s  were a terrible tell. How disapointing you are.. such high hopes too. Now i hear you saying this is the right path, but im not the only one able to tell its not what wed agreed upon. What happened to you? You sound like them now. You give thier talking points the highest numbers when you know thats not what you said when you got the job. You just..changed your mind...viewing that as more important than anything you promised.. without even talking it over first?!! What kind of 'stick to yer guns,' is that? In with a deturmened roar and out with a cluck. You cant even claim now to be doing better than the guy you replaced...because you are sounding as bad as him right now. Maybe worse. Because you arnt even pretending to hold the line.. you folded like a weak cardboard chair. And to think, i was still of the mind to support your struggle with comprimise until i saw your idea of  percentages asked for. Thats pretty low. I can see why peoples are pretty upset with you now.

*Humphs and steps off the soapbox, kicking spilled kittylitter everywhere as she does so*

Also got a call from someone i rather value.. i didnt catch the call and.. they should call back. Altho a part of me doesnt want to hear what its about. The only real reason, i can think of, that this person would reach out to me, like this, is if the news is bad.

 I fell on my butt, financially, about a year or so ago, and am only just now back up to a low crawl. Cant aford to stop everything to go deal with bad news right now. I'll drown!

Aahem... Other news is.... Yeah.. a new spot... New wrapping. Trying to not burn out the portal. Keeping busy has gotten ...dull, tho.

I found an old portal and reconnected with it from a new spot. I have seen a few neigbors that were not there before.. not sure if they are active tho. I have raised a few walls, added a little farm and cleared a few trees. I even added a few tree tops to the hilltops and a couple sheep to make noise so it doesnt seem so lonely. Not sure what else to do really. Just... Keep going, i guess.

Its at times like this, that i hear the sirens most clearly. Should run from sirens, right? Ive ever been the sort of person who detests being where she isnt wanted anyway. Where to go though? I mean really. Its down to the pickle and the dead fish.

You ever get the 'waiting in a holding pattern' .. feeling?  I seem to feel that most of the time these days. Im growing ssoo tired of waiting...