bah!

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done
Another year over, and a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one, the old and the young"
-John Lennon

The Christmas season is upon us all once again, and I feel none of its glow. not even a glimmer really of supposedly happy anticipation for opening gifts on Christmas day (or eve, if that's how you do it) for seeing relatives you haven't seen in a long time, over great feasts, joyful chatting and game playing. I feel not a single iota and I wonder to myself just how long things have been thus for me, to struggle to find so much as a smile and having to 'fake joy' for others to see so they don't demand to know what could be wrong. I guess I can rather identify with scrooge's state of mind this year. I'm sure its all of this dreading and waiting getting to me.

"What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you?" -A Christmas carol