another b-day come and gone...

Slowly, it seems, small desperate thoughts, little dreams of vapor. Gone before theres ever a conscience dream or memory. Its only four and once again i cannot keep it in. 

I fear again this very early morning, that its all going to end and we will be pulled assunder for another chapter of shadow. We have nothing  but the car now and thats not even fully ours. We are ever on borrowed time. 4 turned a lonely one far to easilly. And ever, it seems, nowhere to go. What has hsppened? I hear you whisper... well, nothing spectaculer really.

The lumner got peohd about an unauthorized night stay.. which i wasnt too happy about either. Left everything stranded for the weekend then gave us the bad news. The job that was a lest resort has peterd out and cannot any longer be obtained. The car itself has given us trouble to start.. in that it wouldnt. Paid a price we could barily manage.. and when it wouldnt go once again, the guy who fixes it said "thats odd." We have gone to other churches. Im not entirely sure why. At one point, was on zoom calls... not anymore? Got yelled at by a security grouch because the car wasnt going anywhere. Untill someone gave us a tow across the parking area. And im sitting here turning green because i aparrently got sidelined and now its too late...unless i can wait until 5. A little thing. Was going to get a peach cobbler. Couldnt aford it tho. Was going to leave and got tge bag back with a "blessed day."

end of the line or just the start?

    I really miss blue. He was an inspired friend an amazing minecraft builder, and bestest buddy, ive ever had. I sooso so wanted to build more together..whole towns, sea front constructions and filled out city life. Mountainous fortresses, underground communities, ..  gardens and farms. I could have learned soo much! I really wanted to!  And then came a day and he was just...gone. no fare-ye-well, no good-riddence-to-bad-rubbish. Nothing, just.. gone. I miss blue a lot.

So.. today was eventful..and i dont mean that in a good way, i took a spill in a totally embarrising way. I mean..i splatted, face first, in a public place. And hurt a rib. Before i could really finish the thought, i was howling over having to lift a leg up into the car. Really concerned some of the people around me too. Im mortified. I still ache..it hurts to take a deep breath. I feel like a cramped statue.

There is a thought to start a sort of travellog..talking about neat things along the way of getting to see various counties in america. I dont know really, im kinda a chicken when it comes to starting stuff. Hm. I should have called this the catsoap box.. seems to fit better than does whatever i called It originally.

Realisticly...theres just too many issues gathering too quickly into a tsunami over my  head. I am forever overwhelmed.

As it is with this idea.. dont fully get how its sposta work out. I want it light - hearted. With a fun-loving personality, and it cannot mesh with how its governing body wants it to be rl. Which sounds perfectly boring and biting to me. Oh well.  

There are just some things you shouldnt try to talk about with people, no matter how badly you need to get it out there. No matter how you think you are close enough to talk about anything with. It just isnt a good idea. People arnt really in support. Not really. They dont look or listen to your ideas. They look to themselves most of the time, it seems. And so they look to themselves. Its just the way of it, i suppose. And talking to them about a shared idea just isnt on the same level.

Wish the rain would come back. Even just a day of drool or sprinkles.

A kind of last moment happening. First only time happening. I actually opened the car door of a stranger today. Where the heck was my awareness??!  Am i really showing signs of brain degradation? Really?

getting lost in thoughts.

Not sure just where to start..or end here. It isnt just forgetting things.. it isnt just forgetting but losing all the links to things.

The grand mugwump .. had a condition which he may have shared with me. And im not real sure i apreciate it. Not that i believe he did so with full cognition, mind you. Not sure he even knew what was happening. Such a gradual thing really. Its little things that slip by. What was that word? Guess ill remember it later...just need to keep it in mind. What was..uh.. getting ..keeping focused.. one thing at a time, now. I remember her, of course i do.. just.. uh.. i know her face.. just cant recall at the moment... simple things.. ohyeah..she was.. wasnt she..? -Sigh- i couldnt recall her name just then, thats all. Or i might..verbaly be talking to someone and suddenly realize, i might be mumbling incoherently or sluring my words, having to pause for a moment, take a breath, and start again. Hoping i remembered the reason i started the topic and its importance. Setting a plate down and being told theres another plate under it... recalling a song i was fond of, and hearing myself singing completely off key! Or being asked if i remember someone...who looked familiar. Im so confused! I looked at a sentence, looked again...and again... couldnt remember the sentence... or misremembered it. The other day, i watched three movies on tv ...went to tell someone and couldnt recall the title of the third one...at all. Getting soo angry because someone didnt recall how much i have a problem with being alone after dark. Why did they not know that? Why was it even theyr problem to recall that in the first place? And at other times, i can recall an unresolved problem i had, like it was yesterday. With such sharp biting detail, even. And yet i get such confusion when its not recalled by who im talking to about it. (It wasnt that long ago! ... was it? ) of not  recalling even a word of what i studied and written down several times over the course of several years. 

And by being unclear and frightened of..where do i go from here?

Use it or lose it does apply here.. doesnt it?

And just as random... i have lost a lot of faith in keeping things in storage. If i have to put the smallest thing in..it is automaticly at 80% of never being seen again.

Annd since there seems to be nothing but pain in asking, on both sides of an issue, im going to redouble my efforts to no longer ask. Its not worth efforts and has always lacked importance.

random words..or are they?

Words.....

Spitefulness, stinging, anger, snot, piss, vinegar,  ungratefulness, unhappiness, bitter, blame, self-righteous, indignation, negativity, pessimistic, offence, regret, violence, 

In use...

The ungrateful snot. Never learning from mistakes, own worst critic, Laughing at vs laughing with.Tears of the crocodile. Pointing fingers, burdens to sholder. Whose fault is it. One-sided viewpoint. Not listening. Can't/won't see. 

Possible replacements....

Love, bright, light, simplistic, a new day, a better attitude, positivity, forgiveness, 

Someone, somewhere said... Let it go.

another time around the wheel

The changing of the seasons. From the spin cycle to broilling. And still nothing to show. And, as usual, nowhere to go from here.

 Was watching the blacklist 4th season... he was a good bad guy. She was unforgiving...completely. somethings/people are like that, i suppose. Dont give a chance when it really matters. Different perspectives.

I had to leave the portal i have been hanging out at. Someones being a monopoly barron, and getting away with it. Nothing i can do. Already low. And yet all the minor mugwumps are still complaining over a lack of opp, for them. Heh. Still years done and gone are forever being dredged up as if they were new news. There was no apologizing then and theres nothing now as well. Just more of the same. Like a tiny winged pest pf a skeeto flying up your nose again and again. Theres not even a single portal around any longer... and im soo tired of trying.