Just ignore it.

This ...ya know, sometimes, i really think life sucks. just when you start to notice a rise in well-feeling.. like maybe -this- year will be a little brighter then the others have been around this time.. like maybe theres a bit of hope after all... and suddenly, with no real warning.. nosedive.. straight off the cliff and into the smog, swirling like some unseen witch's greenish concoction, far below.

Once again the heart has taken the reins.. and -once again- I experience the pain of such horrible tearing sadness and a futile sense of flailing about... getting no-where at all, except back into the mire of depression, which as it seems, I am forever seeking a way out from...but it just keeps sucking me irresistibly back in.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to those of you that might be reading this. not 100% sure I care at the moment so youl have to forgive me. I guess this too, is a part of who I am. A part of me that I can never seem shake get free of.. no matter how hard or often that I try.

oh sure, sure.. there's a reason why this happens every stinking year around this time. sure. the fact being, I miss my mom a great deal. Its like some kind of morbid death-day or something. always seems to happen right around this time, and the veneer of my happiness portrayed, fails me.. horribly, I am left exposed and crying.

So what is there to do about it? nothing that I have ever found. All I can suggest is.. smile along when I do, don't dig too deeply, forgive my random bouts of tears and growls, and hope to heaven I get over it quickly.

And for those that run up against my raw nerves and pet peeves, you -know- I'm going to howl objections and throw dark looks around the room. How I HATE when that happens! Why does it have to keep happening?!

Its nothing. I'm fine.. or.. I'm sure I will be. I -need- the comforting friendship.. and yet, in my more cool reasoning mind I know that I have no real -need- for much of anything... or anyone. Its like I seek it out though, with a kind of fevered desire, only to rail against it uselessly when I come up against it. What a totally un-reasonable, idiotic pattern!

So once again, here I sit, commiserating myself with no-one or thing to talk to.. to thump my fists uselessly against a wall and bawl like some spoilt little child who has just learned that her whole world has turned itself inside-out to face a sickly shade of puce green and life will never ..ever.. go back to the sweet comfortable way it was. no more time to even wonder if maybe there was any real or true appreciation. It's done.

The snitched candy has hit the floor and shattered into a zillion microscopic shards with no way to -ever- see its original form ...ever again. it's gone. there's no way to do more then watch and wallow now, I guess... so yeah, a reason for sure.. a need, most certainly.. and know that should I snarl, ~"Leave me alone!"~ it's not forever. I'm just being crap poor company is all.

Slam your doors if you think you must, push the button to turn it all off if you have to... knowing that each sharp noise is sending its splinters deep into my being, there to stay... even as I snarl and scream in agony.. MoM! ahh mom.. I sorely miss you! ...even now. ...forgive me for being so pathetic.

Listening to:
nothing.
Reading: nothing.
Current Show: none.
Feeling: guess.
Internet Tabs: not bothering atm.
Obsessing Over: who cares.
Current Rant: my own ineptness.