ok

a confession and a story...

ok, see, there's this guy I like.. and he seems to like me too, only of late.. one day he heard a rumor.. about me, and it just wigged him out in a really bad way.. I got all defensive, he got defensive back.. and it kinda yanked us both off a cliff. then, in efforts to save what we still might have, I tried apologizing, hoping to open us up for more then 'idle chitchat' anymore.. We used to be able to talk so comfortably. and he said he had forgotten the hurt.. that there was nothing to really talk about.. and maybe I should forget the pain as well. I could no longer talk to him about any of it or risk 'misunderstanding' and his yelling fiercely at me before stomping off.
It has reminded me of a cat I once knew.. yeahh I hear you going wtf? but I think it relates..

There was this place I was staying at .. and this girl there had gotten a kitten one day. It was a cute little black thing with big ol eyes.. a very small puffball and cute as anything. But her bf, who was also staying there was anti-catbox. So they put the kitten outside.
Now, you have to understand the area this takes place in. It was rather countryish. At night, we had 4-footed visitors from all over the place. big marauding dogs, huge ol grumpy racoons, slinky and dangerous bobcats, aromatic skunk, and mountain lion that would come sniffing around for tasty midnight snacks.
so.. the girl put the cat up on a balcony of a shed near the house. she gave it food and water and left it there. I felt so badly for that poor little kitty... all alone in the dark and hostile area. It cried and cried and cried. all night long, each and every night that I would stay there.
As I didn't get along with the girl, her bf, and the other friends of theirs staying there, I often found excuse to sleep over at a friend of mine's place. Eventually, the friends of those two, (the girl and her bf) had made the news and the place was closed up for a time. After a few days, another friend came to take the animals away with them in a cross-country move.
I had opportunity to follow them to the new area a bit later and here is that kitty. looking skrawny and unkempt. It was fed, and eventually gained a little weight but.. idunno.. something was amiss with its mental state. We took to calling it skittykitty because it would be all purring and friendly one moment but it with turn faster then a rattlesnake and take to biting and hissing horribly if you got too close. Oh, you could reach out to touch it, pet, love and comfort.. and be nothing but as sensitive as possible, but something would quirk it.. some unseen, or unknown inside of it would put its tail in a twist. You'd pet it once, twice maybe.. and it would purrrrr. then stop and be chewing on your hand in a quarter second. What had caused it to go all wonky like that, I'm not sure. but it was most certainly not a comfortable type of cat to be around. Not if you valued your hands.


So now.. it feels there is this distance between this guy and me, that wasn't there before. I feel I am trying to pet the skittykitty in trying to talk to him... shivering inside, and thinking "any wrong move, no matter how small, and he's going to bite at me." and he has. Why is this happening? Why is he driving us apart with his sudden rattlesnake temper? Why can't he seem to see what its doing to us? Why can't we talk like we once did? Why has he become so.. impatient. distant. intolerant? Why has he become such a skittykitty to me? I don't know.
but I think my tears are about done now. My back is against the wall. Its time to put my raw feelings back into a box in a single-minded effort to cope. Maybe things can be salvaged, maybe not. We need to be able to talk.. to open our communication again and resolve the starting issues. but until he gains some patience.. and stops yowling and gnashing his teeth on my being.. we will go further and further toward the edge. I can see it. I don't know if that's what he truly wants or not. Its certainly not making me feel like being so close to him with my heart anytime soon though.

On another note... It seems my brother has had a 'visit' from my mom and bonbon... Ahh! that hurts! Why doesn't the pain at least lessen.. why does it have to reduce me to sobbing every single freaking time?! :( ....damn it! =.=;
Why does all of this have to happen now? why all at once? Why does it even have to happen at all?!!?! ugh! what a life! anyone care to trade? please?!