I remember...

I suppose I am one who has led something of an interesting life.. (just like the curse eh?) I have been told several times, that I could fill the pages of a book with it all... don't know that it'd be worth much for reading but... lol XD
Anyway, I mentioned an iceberg tip to a friend, and she seemed quite entertained.. so I said I would post more here... in the occasional 'I remember' segments of my life. Bear in mind.. I colorize a bit to protect the guilty.. as well as the otherwise innocent. I don't much like the idea of family anger over one person's remembrance vs another... since people remember things differently, even if they are of the same event.

The beginnings of my life are apparently shrouded in a bit of a mystery. and although I certainly don't recall any of it, others claim to.. and everyone seems to have a different story to tell... from the wild, to the complete norm. Now, personally.. I consider it all a great and colorful story.. to the point that I don't really care if it is true or not... but somehow the stories continue to entertain.

When I was really little, still in my first set of training wands, There is a story I remember told to me by the great and grand poobah mugwump.. father of the great mugwump who raised me. Great and grand mugwump had a lot to say really.. he was a big guy, i remember.. and although he occasionally gave me a fright by magically sticking my little feet to the ceiling, I considered him to be someone I admired. One of the things he insisted upon, was that there was no such thing as a dark greenman in our family-line. (dark greenmen were.. like a cross between a neighboring islander and one from far away in the dark lands to the south.)
..and also, that there were enemies of our family, that were seeking to rewrite our family history from the books... making us drift into obscurity of untruth.

He said, there was a time when our family had possession of a large island off the coast of a yet larger island. and the name of it was attached to our own family name. but because our family was related to other more well-known families, who were embroiled in a sort of clan war with others... and lost an important battle, we had to leave our island.. and it was given into the hands of others.
He told me a tale of how, under pressure from our enemies, there was an idea hatched, that we would flee that land and send our people to 'the land of better opportunity'. (I wish only that I had been old enough or simply with-it enough to ask for details on this subject.. like dates and relation names!)
Somewhere in the middle of this.. a relative, fairly drunk in a pub, got into a tangled issue of 'cheating at cards' after a horse had traded hands. So the drunkard, fleeing possible death, took the horse and fled with it into the woods. Which is how my family came to live in that backwards wooded area that I remember growing into. (To a man who was old when I was there, to remember even 16 years.. can be a really long time!)
So.. the end result, so said he, was that I was one who was brought over in secret from our enemies, into the place I was to be 'born' into. which would make me like either 1st or 2nd generation.. depending on just when (or where?) I was born.

To continue in thought from this story, I attempted once, to look into it.. wondering if there was truth.. an odd thing how many people have, at least a copy of their birth papers... I have a copy of an old file paper which only lists name and occupation. not time.. and I have had trouble in even requesting a copy of this from my home.. they have refused me, and considered sending police after me just for asking. they even sent me n old copy that was unstamped and I had to re request a stamped one because a paper without the stamp is just a paper and not considered legit by anyone in any place else.
So, using this paper as a query, i attempted to locate and speak with the listed doctor. I did find someone by the name, well retired... (he apparently was already an old man at the time I was first there) He said, that he often came to work to find children already born and waiting.. so he simply signed the papers and let them off with their families. He wasn't actually there for the birth... which might explain why I do not have a birth certif as such.. and the copy of the file I do have, doesn't list a time.

I also went to a small 'reading room' for those looking into their family past... and with a bit of help, I discovered my original family name was listed in an old book. this name being the name mentioned in great and grand poobah mugwump's story. I was soo excited! the book was ordered from some far away place.. and I waited for a time with bated breath. the day arrived, and there I sat, in that cluttered little room, and old book in my hands. I carefully opened it and leafed through a page or three.. my eyes seeking the name i so wanted to see at last and..
Suddenly a pair of huge meaty hands thrust into my view, grabbed my hands and hauled me out of my seat. I was quickly pushed out the door of the shop, hearing words to the effect that I was meddling in things i best not. I hit the roadside in a plop.. and heard the doorbells ring as the door shut.. and the click of a lock. You can imagine my surprise, eh? Although for a time, I looked, I never found another listing with that particular family name again.

The enchantress of the east wind, closely related to me, laughs this whole story off, saying that nono.. I was merely born under a bridge somewhere...(like a troll?) and since she is older, she would know best. right?

Asking the grand mugwump, son of the great and grand.. was a bit like pulling hen's teeth on a moonless night. He would only say, with a chuckle.. I was born on the way.

Then there is the story told by yet another relative, not so closely related really, who claimed to have visited the island and looked for relatives" over there.. she seems to think we are a part of the dark greenmen in a really way-back loong history. which, if true, would make me a very old generation indeed... likely dating further back then that of the revolution! Has my family really been here for so long?

and to think.. all this from just one little happening. XD
So when people ask where I started out.. in order to remain truthful (I am a horrible liar) I am forced to say.. it depends on which version of the story you believe the most. All of them have gaps.. some very obvious holes which, if i still had the chance to gain answers from, I would certainly ask.




Listening to: Classical
Current Show: dramas... still.
Feeling: a little under the weather *sniff*
Internet Tabs: AZNV.TV, MySoju, Mabinogi
Obsessing Over: Fragmented Memory pictures
Current Rant: one-sided love... *sigh*
very nearly as bad as a crush... only a little less stupid.

moving drama 2

Portal-style chitchatter..

Hey there.. been a bit since I last spoke about portal(game) life. Here's something I have wondered a bit about.. How do you go about expressing yourself in a world or realm? especially if the place doesn't give you socials fit for the occasion you are searching for?

In the realm I have been spending the most of my time of late, I have two 'expressions' that cannot quite be governed by socials.
one, when I am happy, or especially pleased to see someone... I will often run around them in a circle. If the person is just as happy to see me, they will often join me and it will become a circle chase around a room.
and
two, If I am displeased with someone.. I will often *thump* the one I am unhappy with, as a sort of expressive warning. (like in the case of jealousy) and Yes, I have been known to occasionally *thump self* as well...usually when I just realized I am being especially dense about something.

I often wonder though, what others use to express themselves, when the world's socials just aren't fitting for the expression? (And no, I'm not speaking of expressions that are best left between two people in a private setting.)

also..

I wonder how people separate the difference between the portal life and that of rl?
To me, the online worlds are much like a sub-world in itself.. one is here, and the other, there. The only 'grey' areas being within the realm of feelings, which are real, no matter what world they happen to be in. Sometimes, this works out and I have a lot of fun,... and sometimes I get entangled in which direction I should 'really' go with what I feel. I try hard to show the difference in realms by the use of the names I was intro'd with.. even if I know their other-world names.

introspection.. (don't expect it to make a whole lot of sense.)
Recently, I have been given to leave a ring behind, and have been invited to pick up another. I'm a little sad to have to leave the ring.. it was no longer fun for the person dropping it.. But his feelings were more expecting then mine were... likely expecting a reaction I didn't give. Part of me, wants to simply be done with rings altogether.. so tired of expectations I can't/won't fulfill. and stymieing my wish to be happy with a partner.. who is happy with me. Even as I rage about how my partners knew how it was from the start.. and yet, each time, there was a step too far and a ring was dropped... causing unhappiness and even agony. (shades of a rl ghost.. an agreement for a simple relation.. that went overboard in a bad way. to the tune of 'Jim' I believe. *shiver*)
The one inviting me to pick up a ring, is a puzzle to me a lot of times. A puzzle in a different form then the one who recently dropped one.
The previous puzzle was mostly a simple why. I couldn't understand why such an opposite would wish to be aligned. I tried to allow for the possibility.. but perhaps it was my fault that it simply wasn't there for me. I am relieved to think that perhaps we can still be friends. (shades of a saying... guys cannot be just friends with girls.. still dunno what to think of that.)

this new invite though.. is a puzzle in the form of seemingly out-of-nowhere bursts. the bursts being not necessarily annoyed... Although It sometimes feels like it. Sometimes its just saying something unexpected.. not knowing just how i should reply... or if I should. I do like this one though. rather in spite of this, or maybe because of this, I'm not sure. ..very interesting to my sense of curiosity though... very tempting. and I would, if I'm not watching it, try to follow behind him like a waggy-tailed puppy on a leash. (and to think he has the tendency to dash off a lot and of a sudden too. lol!)(I am soo not a canine!) I value this a great deal.. I sometimes wonder at the depth... and if it's worth the effort and risk to even consider... especially as I'm fairly certain the expression would not be returned... and even in that, why I might wish it to. Must I have a cut-n-dried cold-faced limit imposed? Isn't that too much to expect though? Is it even possible? ..even to that of myself? hmm..

so I pause. would this just be inviting a change I'd rather not experience again? I'm really tempted.. wanting to be with.. and yet, not caring for the possible burst of negativity that has come several times before,.. in spite of whatever efforts to keep the situation from developing. I really don't wish to lose.. or risk losing this friendship. I know there's a chance.. a possibility that it will prove the magic combo and be fun again for both of us.. but what are the odds vs the result I am so afraid of?

I -will- prevent myself from becoming a 'Jim'. the very thought scares me into instant back-peddle... and shivering hesitation. ugh!

soo many questions!.. and no real confidence to ask them. :(


Listening to: KAT-TUN...and varied jpop/kpop/tpop
Current Show: dramas... as yet.
Feeling: A little confused and sad, but alright.
Internet Tabs: AZNV.TV, Mabinogi
Obsessing Over: Still trying to escape from reality
Current Rant: jealousy? I know it happens. I know
it shows insecurity.. that it can be both bad and good,
really. but... why does it have to happen?

catching up

Hey there.. just thought to catch up a little... so far I'm still in the same spot. its a good thing. I finally managed to get starcraft 2... which I am -really- happy about. Yay!

Also touched bases with a good friend on mabi, who I have missed in all my 'away' time. Maybe knowing there is someone still out there will give me a bit of encouragement to give a little interest in my internet home once again.

Sis is talkin about a long ride out here with my bro in the early months of the new year. kind of foreboding.. I always seem to feel that way when there's talk of visiting family. its a bit like a sick-to-my-stomachache kind of nervousness. Not a very good feeling at all.

star ratings..moved.

adramas have moved! http://mdramam.blogspot.com/

it's the holiday season..

so yeah.. happy whichever holiday you might be celebrating this season. For me, it happens to be mainly Christmas. I don't think I care too much for Christmas anymore.. not because of what it stands for, or for the thought that its a great time of the year to celebrate... but because of its hassle for me... seems like bad news just waits for this time o year to roll through before dropping a massive ball of horror around my ears. There is never enough of anything to go around, and no time in which to deal with it all.
Well, as usual, I'll try to make the best of what I do have, and hope to survive for another year's entry in hopes of 'maybe' breaking even... and standing in the same place come the new year. really, I think it's about all I -really- want for a gift... just to still be standing in the same place. At least there will be a pseudo-tree this year. just no spirit of the season for it... again. I'm not bored, honest.. but don't understand why my life has to be so chock-full of uproar ala time.

Stability is one of those yearned for things in my life I seem destined to consistently be without.


------
Listening to: KAT-TUN: Real Face
Current Show: dramas... when possible.
Feeling: Holiday blues... I suppose
Internet Tabs: mysoju, AZNV.TV
Obsessing Over: Escaping reality
Current Rant: none.

moving 2

moving drama review to: http://mdramam.blogspot.com/

Music covers plus

Real Face
by KAT-TUN



Don't you ever stop
by KAT-TUN



Rescue
by KAT-TUN



Another sweet-sounding combo... in Chinese. I'm Yours (cover) by Jason Mraz

Random Gaga

Personally, I love the musical tunfulness of the lady's music.. somehow she can make even the blehist of words seem like a hoppin dance step. I don't care for many of her vids... so I resort to listening to parodies and covers of her music... and I have found several of real talents. Check it out.


Bad Romance parody - A men's chorus?


Muffintop - missesmuffintop


Lady Gaga Melody - Sam Tsui and Kurt Schneider


Greyson Chance singing Paparazzi


______


Listening to: A ringing sound from a deaf ear.
Current Show: Warehouse 13, and Haven
Feeling: A little concern for the possible loss of a good friend..
...hoping its just paranoia ... concern also for my sis.. I havent heard from her since some months before my birthday.. it doesnt seem much like her.
Internet Tabs: Mabi, Facebook(somewhat), Vindictus, )and InfiniteAion
Obsessing Over: (see feeling, above)
Current Rant: Why do some girls seek to make their boyfriends toss all of their friends to the gutter in order to be with them? If the guy's friends are willing to accept you, why can't you accept them? doesn't mean you have to like all of them, just as they aren't all required to like you either. but they -are- his friends. After all, isn't it often the case, where they were friends months if not years before you were even in the possibility of the picture?
and please don't think you are going to change that guy of yours.. it never seems turn out well at all. He is who he is and if you don't like how he is, best not even get started in a relationship with him. if the guy changes, it's because its something he wants to do... not just because its what you want him to do. Really, aren't we all basically the same way about that? In the immortal words of Popeye, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam! We are just who we are. you either accept that soon, or you move on... for better or worse.

gamely (gamey?) musings... euw!

Sitting here thinking about the things I like, and those I do not about the world this new portal led to... which is called Aion.

One of the best things about it is.. the graphics are completely stunning in its complexity!
Even the classic good vs evil theme isn't too badly represented.
The crafting is fairly unique.. if a tiny bit difficult to get started with.
And this is a game that is actively being improved upon all the time, as I understand it. Soon there will be pets, mounts?, swimming, player housing, expanded areas etc..



On the Ehh side of things.. All Roads lead to the abyss, which is esentially pvp-land. Call me a carebear, if you like, even though I never much cared for the toon. I'm not big into pvp.. I have seen, far too often what it can do to friendships. It isn't pretty. Please oh please give us more quests that don't lead to the open battlefield!

Another ehh thing, I have found is.. on the crafting side of things, there is gathering on both land and air.. which isn't an issue.. but.. some of it is on the mobs, now while this might be fine if you are in level range of said mobs... but you know what happens when you grow beyond the mob's level? they stop dropping. So if you are needing a crafting item that just happens to be on, say a crab, but you have grown beyond its level.. you will never again see the item you need to have for the crafting.

update... I ended up leaving this world.. as the rifting got to be a great opportunity for overpowered pvp'rs to enter the area and kill who-so-ever should stray outside one of the towns.. any-one of the towns, and there was no place left for a non-pker, such as me, to level in somewhat safety.

the graphics were sure inspiring though!!!

An old yet new world

A familiar portal opened up a couple of days ago. I, being fairly wizened by now, to the possibilities.. left a marker so I could find my way back, and hopped through the portal. Happy surprises met me at first sight of the jungle trees and craggy hills.. with the sweet sound of surf and the whoosh of wind preceding a coming storm. I was in Timorous Deep! This was one of the first portals I ever got swept through!
This is the homeland of Rata! *I quickly looked around for him, but as usual, the sneaky critter was nowhere to be innocently found. Quite likely, he was holed up in his tree city of fairies. I quickly made a mental note to pay that area a visit soon.

The portal that brought me here was small really. much smaller then I remember. there were soo many limits! limits on race, on class, on bag space even! I couldn't chat out, couldn't send a mail, nor even buy something off the broker... and from the whispers around me, I suspect I might just have a problem concerning limits in magic power level as well. Not to mention, and yet I am, Crafting ~still~ sucks in this place)

One of the big upsides though, for me anyway.. is the straight-on ability to see this place once again! I can still travel around.. to see all of the other places as well.
(Means I can still twirl and sing down the streets of Quenos.. and slink and pray I don't get caught in the perpetual crampt and winding alleys of Freeport.)

Apparently this portal hasn't been in function for very long... maybe as early as last month. So hopefully the powers are still tweaking the do's and don't's... and not just hangin out in the item market. Go check it out!

Everquest 2 extended
http://launch.soe.com/eq2x/?sessionId=W9j4.o5EbJyCrvSw

food for thought.. or maybe... a thought for food?

There is this story about these hard-working fishers.. who got up very early every morning to work hard at their nets and provide for their family.. living day by day like this for.. generations.
One day, along comes this.. wandering prophet... who tells them to get up, leave everything behind and wander away with him... to become like.. his outreach. which they did do.
On another day, the group sat on a hill, hungry.. and the prophet asked if there was any food to be had. Strangely, there was.. a little. certainly not enough for the whole group. But somehow, it stretched out, filled them all up, and there were even leftovers.
---------

That must have taken a lot of faith, for the fishers to do something like that. To just up, and leave everything they had worked so hard for. Trusting in some unseen unknown to provide for them? ..or simply choosing not to worry about it, perhaps.

And what about the one who offered up his meager lunch for the group? What could he/she have been thinking? "well, I don't actually need this food... just because its the day and age where you have to work really hard for whatever scraps you can manage to get hold of"? or maybe.. "Here I am, being soo selfless..in giving up what is likely to be my only meal for the day, if not for the next several days, to these guys.... and what will I get in return, huh? you think they are going to pay me?"
and even after.. when he got the leftovers back... was he thankful and surprised? was he maybe a little bitter that all his nice food had been handled by a whole group of dirty smelly guys?

How many people in today's world, would even consider doing such things?
-----



Take Me to Tomorrow
by John Denver


Hey everybody, tell me how do you feel? Are you satisfied with your life, do you think it's real?
Tell me.. how is your head, what are your dreams?
Do you have any plans, do you have any schemes?
Do you care about, about anybody? I'd like to know, is the answer "no"?

Hey everybody, tell me, what's on your mind?
Do you think there's nowhere else to go, that there's nothing left to find?
Are you happy where you are, do you have anything to share?
Do you think you're gonna waste your life.. spending it there?
Would you like to find a way out, do you think it's worth a try?
I'd like to know, is the answer "no"? Well maybe so....

Comeon..Take me to tomorrow, take me there today, I've had my fill of sorrow and living this way.
Take me to tomorrow, that's where I'd like to be, the day after tomorrow is waiting for me.
-----


Listening to: A rattling fan
Current Show: Leverage, Psych, warehouse 13, and Haven
Feeling: ehh kinda crappy atm
Internet Tabs: Mabi, Facebook(somewhat)
Obsessing Over: inexplicable things
Current Rant: injustice and lack of understanding

Worries for a Foundation

Once again, it seems, our wondrous leader appears to be dangerously close to stomping on the rules of our forefathers.. rules that were the founding strength of everything that makes us who we are today. and before you scoff.. rules and thoughts that, yes... still prove true today. I worry for our future.

Yes, I said 'again' Ok, I put a {Link here} for a blog entry concerning this subject.

Now we have in issue with the internet. There should already be in place, the thought that the head of our great land should, if emergency arises, be able to gain some control of the net in our area... after all, he already does with the rest of our communication abilities, right? The problem is... if the control were given without the 'emergency' specifications and details thereof.. it will give the 'king' a tad more power then he should have. History already gives us a clue as to what happens after that. Now you might think I'm going on about issues that are not yet come.. worrying over nothing, essentially. but we have already seen evidence of the unconstitutional munching this will cause. Messages are popping up all over the net, seized and closed down by the government... movie pirates, music pirates, and whole blogging servers (need proof?.. here's a {link} to a fairly well-known blog site.).

While I don't, as your average citizen, have much to say concerning the shut-down of internet pirating.. that last little "blog" detail is a problem. As the anti-war howlers (and the pro-war howlers as well...)love to point out.. Freedom of speech, baby! That's the 1st amendment. It's another one of those rules there were created as a foundation for this great nation of ours. Is this the start of something bigger and badder? Are you worried as well, that it just might be?

Consider this: If you have one bad apple in a whole bushel of good apples, do you throw out the whole bushel? Our gov seems to think so and our leader is pushing the new laws into place, in spite of the protesting of the people he governs.

From all I have witnessed thus far, I'd say...


-----

Listening to: Alexander Rybak
Current Show: Leverage, Psych, Heroes
Feeling: ehh
Internet Tabs: Mabi, Facebook
Obsessing Over: -.-
Current Rant: The heat, politics. government,
history, and the general craze of living.

A slight history lesson

There was this guy born in Austria.. died in Sweden... whose name was Josef Frank.
He was an architect, engineer, and a textile designer. He worked with Oskar Strnad, a man in common with his work. in 1965, he received the Grand Austrian state Prize for his architecture, which showed his love of space, function, and comfort. He was probably best known, though, for his whimsical texture styles.



for more reading refs...
Wiki.
Faces of Design
meublepeint

It was a Mugwump, Professor, honest!

I remember.. a time when I was out on the apprenticeship trail. It felt like a long never ending line to me. Arch-wizard mugwump, said that this was the best thing for me... just before zooming off to the south desert-land and all the sun iced tea he could possibly guzzle. I felt a little abandoned.. even as I faced my fears of unknown situations coming up. Ol Mugwump had given my name out to willing ears without my knowledge...not a new situation, really.
With a great deal of trepidation. I finally arrived at my destination in one piece and met the 'family' which was fairly large. They were dour strangers tho.. and their smiles and welcome were quite temporary. The head wizard was indeed the ruler of the roost and he seemed rather unkempt and none-to-agreeable, although polite enough, I suppose. I was there long enough to wonder again at the fix I may have gotten myself into.. and an episode with several large twisting disasters.
Fortunately, none were hurt that I was then aware of. One evening, as I sat listening to music in my cluttered 'new' bedroom, there came a knock at the door. The local constabulary was there along with some ill-tempered long-nosed female who gruffly insisted I pack my bags immediately. (At least.. I think she was female.)
Having no choice in the matter, I repacked what I could and followed my carried things to the door. It seems the wizard was not fit for mastering.. and had gotten into a fair bit of trouble. and so by my presence there, I was in trouble as well.
I was quickly stuffed aboard a coach, told never to return to the area, and given escort clear to the border like some dangerous unwanted criminal. It was quite the event really. One I don't care to repeat.

Listening to: Hell yeah
by Montgomery Gentry
Reading: this blog?
Current Show: Leverage and Psych
Feeling:somewhere between
peaceful and slightly depressed.
Internet Tabs: Mabi, Facebook
Obsessing Over: movie cgi. wow!
Current Rant: The heat, the bugs, the annoyances!

oahh its a fairytale!

~Fairytale~
by Alexander Rybak





~Oah~
by Alexander Rybak




------

Listening to: See vids above.
Reading: not much
Current Show: Leverage and Psych
Feeling: ehh
Internet Tabs: Mabi, Facebook
Obsessing Over: whys
Current Rant: Just how much I detest being bit! Meekin Chiggers!

The Drama bus stops here & the King just disembarked

Before you say I toja-so.. I'll say, you probably right. Seems my heart is quite good at getting me into trouble, intended, conscience or otherwise. Everyone warned me.. they all said it was done with when he first dropped it all onto my head. I know. I cried and agonized and cried some more over it all, then thought... maybe, just maybe.. we could still be friends... if i work harder at guarding myself.. to distance myself should I feel trouble in the making... and just when I started to relax, thinking it could maybe work, and I was fairly happy... it all happened again. Somehow he turned everything around, twisted it, and threw it into my face. So yeah.. ok.. I know it for real now. the boy has mental issues, 'broken' and victimized by his own warped will. and while I can handle a great deal, simply for the sake of friendship... I can't handle this one anymore. He has gone and torn us apart once again..and this time.. I don't think there's any hope of retrieval... even as I can still feel my tendency to support him.. hoping it was just a tantrum. He can be a loving fun personality, but his mood-shifts are out of control, he is volatile, with a whiplash temper at the most unexpected of times. I can do without his sudden verbal abuse.
I -am- greatly saddened by the whole mess... and by the loss of, what I considered, a precious friendship. All of this was due to my attempting to apologize for thinking I stung with my words.(I responded in kind when he said he thought I was the moodiest person he had ever met.)

In words of those whose sage advice I hear with a bit more clarity today.. "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run." -The Gambler

This is me... walking away... at last.



Listening to: the soft purring of a cat
Reading: not much..makes my eyes really hurt.
Current Show: none
Feeling: sad
Internet Tabs: Facebook
Obsessing Over: none
Current Concern: wondering how much longer I will be staying with Facebook (and Mabi?), and where I should go next. Thinking I might be needing an indefinite break.

urghishness!

Make the World go away
by Hank Cochran.. sung by Elvis :P



Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

Do you remember when you loved me
Before the world took you away
Well if you do, then forgive me
And make the world, make it go away

Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

Now I’m sorry if I hurt you
Let me make it up to you day by day
And if you will please forgive me
And make the world, make it go away

Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

Please?
------------

Been another drama day for me. After all the hubub and dust settles once again, I am left feeling. oddly down. Not.. bored and depressed exactly. just... down. Not sure just what to do about it yet. Maybe the feeling will just go away on its own, do you think? A person can always hope, I suppose.

Touhou - Bad Apple

What wonderfully talented shadow art!

Touhou Project - Bad Apple
feat. Nomico

another damp day in the heat of the moment

Happy Mothers day to all you moms out there!

The weather where I am, is going on summer steam. Somehow it still feels like its early for such a thing. Maybe it's just the typical dread of the summer months getting to me. I hear it's still snowing in places in the north. Wish I was there already. well, maybe it will rain and cool things down a little. A person can always hope, I suppose.

Don't you just hate it when a company or group, makes for a mandatory password change, then changes the 'secret' question to requiring some other bits of information that you cannot hope to remember.. all without saying a word? This has happened to me just recently. and for the life of me, I cannot figure on just how to rectify the problems this has created.

In other thoughts, I was speaking to a friend of mine last evening, who was lamenting about the past and how things have changed.. wishing and missing.
She added that it's kind of funny how you run to a game or something, hoping to get away from reality's drama... and before you know it, drama is created within the game. now, the whole deep thoughts concerning drama aside, I can agree with her. It's almost hard to believe that so much time has passed, that things should change enough to make me miss how things were. (Pardon the muddled thoughts getting in the way of my trying-to-be-clear sentences.)
I do miss a few things even within the world of my current online home.

I miss how things seemed so fresh and new.. with new people/friends/experiences around every corner. The fun I had running all over the place. Its almost...like.. cant quite put my finger on just what in particular has changed.. something I didn't notice until it was gone, I guess... or is it just me?

I used to love any excuse for a celebration.. the otter was my totem..
anymore though, I'm starting to wonder if it has changed to the badger. Just want to be left alone in my grumbling misery. What changed? Why? How might I get that spark of life back again?

ehhh my eyes hurt.

Listening to: Ace of Base
Reading: not much
Current Show: Star Trek Voyager
Feeling: grumblish
Internet Tabs: Mabi
Obsessing Over: whys
Current Rant: ...

In the company of Boober..

When I was really little, my big sis had this rabbit. It had to have been the biggest rabbit ever seen... and for some reason, it thought it was a dog. Boober wasn't the rabbits original name, I don't believe... but my mother caused a change after a neighbor thought she was yelling out that she was in love with him.. as she was trying to call in the rabbit. (I did mention he thought he was a dog, right?) anyway, so boober was his name. It was something of a nasty-tempered rabbit to most.. except to me. boober and I were like the best of friends.. I'd tow him around in typical little kid fashion, lay on him, maul and bowl him over and he didn't seem to mind in the slightest. my brother couldn't even get close to him though, or boober would chase him... all teeth and claws. I am to this day, thankful that he was such a big rabbit, better able to withstand the abuse of little kidlett attention. He was, for a 4-footed sort, my bestest buddy for a time there. his demise came at the paws of a surprise dog pack ambush. I still miss him.

lol quote

Captain Janeway to Lt Kim... "Mr Kim. we are Starfleet officers, Weird is part of the job." Star Trek: Voyager Season 2, Episode 21

---

Health care.. Whatever is he thinking?!

I have been hearing a lot of pro's and con's of the new health idea of our wondrously elected leader of late. Now, on the one hand, I can see the value of overhauling the whole health deal... it's a needed time for it.

On the other hand though.. Forcing people to pay for insurance or suffer a yearly fine.. is this really the way to go? Its not very constitutional, is it?
(9th and in particular, the 10th amendment.. "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people." *link here* and "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.")*link here*

It certainly doesn't give a single benefit for those of the "lower class" system... think homeless here... or self-styled or even those self-employed. if you are living hand to mouth.. you cannot afford insurance.. not even on a 'reasonable' sliding scale.. how are you supposed to afford the fees for not having it? what becomes of those country folk that cannot handle anything more then keeping themselves fed and relatively warm and dry? how does this 'new health' idea plan to deal with the needfully non-payers? and what of those here 'illegally'? yes, I know.. it is a good way to discourage those sorts, but what if there's an emergency? what if said illegal or homeless gets run-over and is bleeding on the sidewalk? I'm told that under this new 'mandatory' insurance idea, none would be turned aside for health care... but what of those without it? Will they be turned-aside because they don't have the bucks for the insurance?

The idea of making someone pay for possible life injury (car insurance to cover possible accidents)is one thing, after all, some of us do not drive, and therefor don't have to have the insurance to cover a possible accident. But making someone pay simply for being alive is totally something else, especially if it is a requirement to pay a private company such as what health insurance is.

All in all, this seems to be taking the future down a considerably darker road then many might realize. This idea is so chok-full of holes it is bound to sink at the first sign of real rain. I have never before seen such a sloppy idea get pushed into law.. and hope I never do again.. but then, I suppose its a sign of things to come, isn't it?


Listening to: Basshunter
Reading: News
Current Show: Star Trek Enterprise
Feeling: a bit worn out
Internet Tabs: Blogs in general
Obsessing Over: Finding scam-less online work
Current Rant: You just read it.

More on the drama life

It seems Kt did get the idea.. of sorts, but 'couldn't help himself' in understanding just what the glaring 'Hands-off' sign was trying to convey and he frightened me off. Then, as a bonus... he got a threatening note from mr K. I guess that's the end of that friendship. Maybe just as well. I may not be easily frightened by such idiotsy, but that guy creeped me out in a major way.

It was really nice to hear mr K say that although he knew he couldn't tell me who to or not to speak with, he would protect me. I took that as a reflection on the past issues I had with mr Tf.. who couldn't seem to figure out just why I would want to be friends with someone he didn't get along with. And for that, I was rather flattered.

Speaking of mr Tf... He as done a lot of tacking of late. first going this way, then that in the general breeze of our friendship. and to think, I was just starting to get a bit more comfortable in the way things are too. One moment he's all happy and sweet ripples.. and the next he snaps as sharp as an accusing ice flow... then, while I'm still swamped from that... over the last several days of silence... he goes on to being the overboard confessing kind. I'm starting to feel rather water-logged from all the choppy surf here.


I have been feeling rather restless, bored and depressed of late.. not sure just why that is. I do hope I can shake it off soon. Maybe it's the 'sidewalk-stomping' woes.

Listening to: Smile.dk
Reading: not much atm
Current Show: Star Trek tng/Enterprise
Feeling: blehhish
Internet Tabs: facebook, youtube
Obsessing Over: how low I feel, I guess
Current Rant: nothing in particular



Btw...

Happy Easter!

more of the drama life... and a new land, perhaps

been kind of a low odd week for me, glad the week is over, hope the weekend plays host to better plan for the weeks ahead.

Happy to see that mr. Tf has returned to things.. even as I was also happy to see him head for the dreamingtime a bit early. grouchy. sheesh! Hope he's feeling more rested tomorrow. He can be a lot of fun to be around when he's feeling good.

Finally got around, somehow, to telling mr Kt pointedly, the thing he apparently missed on the first several times through. at which point he stopped speaking with me. I felt badly for the loss of a friendship... I do hope it was for the best for all concerned tho. Something about him seriously bugged me. he made me sooo uncomfortable to be around.

mr. K got a bit... upset by the news.. but hopefully he got over it quickly and completely with all the convo that ensued.

So glad I had my sis's support. hehe it really causes smiles to think I can call someone so very cool such a thing. Very Valuable friends to me... both she and her rl sis. I feel pretty fortunate. I had a total blast this evening jumping on the new event teeter-totters with her. I Was really amazed we jumped all the way to the moon to see the huge moon bunnies and the chick-sized cows. Unfortunately, poor sis forgot to speak with the head honcho of town first. we tried a restart, but by then, I was lagging so badly, and was so sleepy.. we didn't get very far. but! we shall endeavor to try again! After all, we got there once. so we know its possible.

Ran into an old 'gf' while visiting the moon. I'm glad she is still about the general area. She seemed in lots better spirits then when last I saw her. somehow I think she has a connection to bro.. maybe an ex? well, i don't think it was the one I met her with that time next to the hay pile north of town. she said she left that one. that he was abusive to her.

I know I said I would give mr. Tf a hand tomorrow.. if i'm around when he wants my help.. still, I am thinking of sneaking in for some spam runs of the clover dungeon tomorrow.. and work my fingers off with potions. I keep meaning too.. and keep getting interrupted/sidetracked/derailed. not that I minded the friendly intervention really. love to do things with friends.. but sometimes.. there just isn't enough time to do all of that with others, and do for me too.

Other side of that moonpie..
I slipped through another portal one day not too long ago. and it took me to a rather odd world... like old tyme tech. lol! I landed on my two feet (yay! not a pooch this time!) and looked around me. great clouds of steam rose overhead and the metallic clanging was almost too much to bear. It took quite a bit for me to get my bearings. there really wernt any helpful people or signs apart from a few souls who seemed mostly interested in my killing several large bunnies for them. I was eventually pointed to a 'garden' and it was suggested I run around in there for the experience I needed. I didn't like it though. there was a strip of relatively 'safe' land all around a barren center, within which people could be seen pursuing others like highway banshees. Most of the people, save a few, were either highly-aggressive opportunists or/and outright rude.

So I found a strange water-traveling contraption and quickly left the area. Amazingly enough, as it turned out, that place was actually the spit of a small island 'hunter' resort. with a little trepidation and a great deal of jubilation, I zipped from town to town, fulfilling quest after quest.. there's a great deal to this place! only a small note of caution.. be careful when dealing with a landwhale's heart. there are some naaasty Mous's in there! (mosquitoes of unusual sizes!) and even if you are thinking you can handle the surrounding walkers n chomper's, these things will drain yer courage dry just by looking at them for the first.. and even the second time!

nother one..

Bulbous Bouffant



Written by The Vestibules.

some more good vids

Domo Domo Domo
by Smile.dk



Hibi no neiro "Tone of Everyday"
by Sour

new years blues?

aww crap. I think I still love him. *headdesk**headdesk*

randomish quote from thee one and only King Otthawk, "No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant. Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. There is radiance and glory in darkness, could we but see. And to see, we have only to look."

"Here's some simple advice: Always be yourself. Never take yourself too seriously. And beware of advice from experts, pigs, and members of Parliament." -Kermit

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." -Agatha Christie

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." -Mark Twain


Listening to: Basshunter
Reading: Its not easy being green...and other things to consider.
Current Show: nothing
Feeling: sad, chilly(its cold out), and reflective.
Internet Tabs: BrightShadow
Obsessing Over: heartbreak grumbles and moving woes.
Current Rant: see above.

Nother anime/manga ...

Skip Beat


Ren Tsuruga

A shōujo manga with a first season listed in anime.
Story of a rather idealistic young girl being given a rude awakening by a childhood friend with his sights set on topping the music charts. In an effort to gain revenge, she gets signed up with a rival agency to become an actress.

__________

Toradora


Ryūji and Tiaga

The plot is a bit like Lovely Complex, which I saw first. its another "highschool" shōujo story about two mismatched students who decide to help one another gain their respective love interest's attention... only to discover they loved eachother best.
__________

Code Geass


Lelouch

Great series.. with a rather sad ending. This one is about a group of school students caught up in the struggle of superpowers and self-identity.. as well as those who possess the power of Kings and its widespread influence upon people.
All in all, its a bit like the tale of V. I'd watch this one again. Zero FTW!

bah!

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done
Another year over, and a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one, the old and the young"
-John Lennon

The Christmas season is upon us all once again, and I feel none of its glow. not even a glimmer really of supposedly happy anticipation for opening gifts on Christmas day (or eve, if that's how you do it) for seeing relatives you haven't seen in a long time, over great feasts, joyful chatting and game playing. I feel not a single iota and I wonder to myself just how long things have been thus for me, to struggle to find so much as a smile and having to 'fake joy' for others to see so they don't demand to know what could be wrong. I guess I can rather identify with scrooge's state of mind this year. I'm sure its all of this dreading and waiting getting to me.

"What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you?" -A Christmas carol

well here it is... and then some.

just for informations sake.. the guy I mentioned battling with a few posts back or so.. has ended. I felt forced into making a decision really. I feel I was given an ultimatum. and as we -all- know, those -never- go well. I could either be happy with his continued treatment of me... or I could walk away. I honestly didn't want to do it... nor could I continue with the way things were. And even after it was done.. he still had opportunity to get in touch with me.. to work it out.. if he cared enough to give it a try... even for friendships sake. Obviously I wasn't worth the effort to him any longer. A part of me hopes he enjoys his new love.. and part of me hopes she is smart enough to realize he is trying to pull her away from her own bf with his charm... and kicks him to the floor of realization.

My own life has gotten hectic. I am due to have moved in another week or so. I still don't want to have to.. and I still have no other recourse. So if I become.. well.. really scarce online over the next.. ohh idunno year?! sorry.. at least youl know where I got to. For those of my friends who perhaps consider me worthy enough to continue to know, email me once in awhile. k? I will find the time and space for at least that.


oh.. and Merry Christmas.

another update

My apologize for being fairly uncharacteristic of late. My life is going through a bit of turmoil this holiday season. Funny how this kind of thing seems to happen around this time every year...hmm.. sensing a pattern here. Well, in spite of such insanity, I still am most thankful for my friends, for without such valuable friends, it all would seem so much more overwhelming and devastating to me.

Tars, krunch, wolf, green, mesh, mousey, darks, hina, fram, kori, molly, mork, dawn, Ros, masu, and a ton of new friends on fbook lol! Thanks you all for being such wonderful friends of mine!

Merry Christmas Yall!

Giving Thanks

Things I am thankful for.

God, the great spirit that created all of this.
hot running water and the clouds in the sky.
the caring of a good solid friendship.
being able to see mountain vistas as well as the high-rises of big cities and the expanse of working farmlands of the country.
being able to hear bird song as well as all the different styles and expressions of music in the world!
fuzzy kitties and graceful strong horses.
family, both the good and the not-so-good.
Being able to learn from mistakes.

Couldn't hope to be able to post everything.

Hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving weekend!

How Far

How Far
by Martina Mcbride

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end

[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say ..how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

[Chorus]

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
YeahI'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say ..how far

Pomplawha?

Hail Mary
by Pomplamoose



Mister Sandman
by The Chordettes
Sung by Pomplamoose
--------------


'So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.'
Matthew 7:12

What I'd like to know is, what happens should they do unto you in ways you would rather they not, even after all you have done unto them? Does karma eventually run over their dog or something?
--------------


Listening to:
see above
Reading: A Christmas Carol
Current Show: 'Vampire Diaries' and 'The Guild'
Feeling: sorrowful and pissed
Internet Tabs: Runes of Magic
Obsessing Over: realization of heartbreak and moving woes.
Current Rant: too many to want to type them all out.

A Carol of Advice

""Our contract is an old one. It was made when we were both poor and content to be so, until, in good season, we could improve our worldly fortune by our patient industry. You are changed. When it was made, you were another man."

"I was a boy," he said impatiently.

"Your own feeling tells you that you were not what you are," she returned. "I am. That which promised happiness when we were one in heart, is fraught with misery now that we are two. How often and how keenly I have thought of this, I will not say. It is enough that I have thought of it, and can release you."

"Have I ever sought release?"

"In words? No. Never."

"In what, then?"

"In a changed nature; in an altered spirit; in another atmosphere of life; another Hope as its great end. In everything that made my love of any worth or value in your sight. If this had never been between us," said the girl, looking mildly, but with steadiness, upon him; "tell me, would you seek me out and try to win me now? Ah, no!"

He seemed to yield to the justice of this supposition, in spite of himself. But he said with a struggle," You think not?"

"I would gladly think otherwise if I could," she answered, "Heaven knows. When I have learned a Truth like this, I know how strong and irresistible it must be. But if you were free to-day, to-morrow, yesterday, can even I believe that you would choose a dowerless girl -- you who, in your very confidence with her, weigh everything by Gain: or, choosing her, if for a moment you were false enough to your one guiding principle to do so, do I not know that your repentance and regret would surely follow? I do; and I release you. With a full heart, for the love of him you once were."

He was about to speak; but with her head turned from him, she resumed.

"You may -- the memory of what is past half makes me hope you will -- have pain in this. A very, very brief time, and you will dismiss the recollection of it, gladly, as an unprofitable dream, from which it happened well that you awoke. May you be happy in the life you have chosen.""

A Christmas Carol
by Charles Dickens
------------------


""...you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice — thereby making you feel sad or happy.

Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character. They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.

Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character. Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.

Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight — because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehim self.

All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehim self (his character, his soul)?

If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy. Your love life should not be your suffering life. The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life.""


The Number One Thing to Look for in a Partner
By Karen Salmansohn

oo.. do I hear strains of oldguy dance music for 6flags? How fun!

I miss you
by Basshunter



Angel in the Night
by Basshunter



Boten Anna
by Basshunter
-------------


Life goes ever onward. This week so far has been one of waiting. much like the feeling a little kid gets when his mom says "Just you wait until your father gets home!" Its like a foreboding feeling that sends shivers of agony racing up and down my spine all day long.

Still, I have learned a little something about myself over the last day or so.

People really need to stop reading into my 'just curious' questions. Honestly, they are just as I say they are, curiosity. Thats it. I'm not trying to convey anything hidden deeper... no supreme moodiness or dark intent. k? It's one of the main reasons my sense of curiosity gets me into trouble a lot.

And to go with that... when you say something to me, and I reply with a 'huh?'.. I am not asking you to repeat that very same thing over again. I said 'huh' because I either didn't hear you correctly, or I didn't get what you just said. Try explaining using different words. Just use a little of that English you know and restructure your sentence a bit. If you think on it a little.. there are several ways of saying the very same thing. Try a few.

Blastoff!

Ok, for those of you maybe interested in a nice portal space.. that gives room for yer news and vids etc.. plus has nice opportunities for online shopping... plus, and this is the best part... its totally free! Check it out *here*
oh.. it says those 13yrs and older can sign-up.. but I think it's actually 18.

****

Have you ever made one of those really bad.. and rather obvious puns in a conversation.. and it isn't something that can really be explained... and the person you said it to, gets angry? no.. not groaning, roll the eyes, kind of thing, but huffy, pissy, ticced-off! Just because you really are not in the mood to try explaining just why it's a pun. I mean.. even after you make some lame attempt at it, then try to dismiss it because the pun wasn't even worth the trying for. I just had one of those experiences.. and the person not only got huffy, but stomped off. What a horribly lame reason to pick a fight/tantrum over. I just don't get that.

The definition of a pun is:
A play on words, either on different senses of the same word or on the similar sense or sound of different words.
A pun is a play on words, often humorous, that uses words that have similar or identical sounds but very different meanings.
The use of a word, or of words which are formed or sounded alike, in such a way as to juxtapose, connect, or bring out two or more of the possible applications of the word or words, usually in a humorous way; a play on words


Kind of like, if someone should ask you "what is up?".. and you reply with your height, the ceiling, clouds etc. because all of those things are 'up' from your perspective. using the same question, you could also say you are not, if you are sitting down.

****

Which is the most feared of the forest inhabitants?
A hawk claimed that, because he had the ability to fly, he could attack anything from above, and his prey wouldn't have a prayer.
"Due to my strength, no one would challenge me!" said the lion, pride fully.
The skunk, incensed, said, "I need neither flight nor might to frighten off any creature!"
The trio were debating the issue, when a grizzly bear came along and swallowed all,
HAWK, LION, and STINKER.

-----

Why I flunked English

Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? =20

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Now I know why I flunked English. It's not my fault-the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

I'm only me when I'm with you
--Taylor Swift

Video found Here

I had read Taylor Swift's little self-blurb on the video site linked above. In it she says she still believes Prince Charming is out there somewhere. It kind of reminded me of something someone said to me one time.. it went something along the lines of wondering if I liked the idea of princes and princess maybe I would like a tiara. I replied that I didn't know as I had never tried one on before. It's a rather interesting thought tho. no, I'm not into tiara's and royalty trappings. (but for maybe the royal purple color, which I love!) Still.. I do like the many 'happy ever-after' type stories. You might say I even prefer them over the the many disaster and horror fliks gracing the big screen of late. so.. maybe in a way.. I do hold hope of a 'prince charming' somewhere in the world. Even after all of the pain and hurt of love and loss which seems to plague my life.

Oh and seriously, if you have not seen the Princess Bride. you really really should. Look for a link to it *here* to see if its working on youtube. It's an epic fantasy story.

blargh!

It'd almost make a good book if i wasn't so wrapped up in it. 2 people meet online, get to know one another a little. Really enjoy eachothers company. then seemingly out of no-where... there is a battle... it's been taken too far, too quickly... they bounce off of one another in a bad way.. things are said.. hurt is delivered... cant go back. can't take it back. and its done. Now scarcely friends.

Maybe it doesn't matter anymore.. but it still hurts. Maybe I should just forget the pain.. But I don't think I can. Maybe we can't rewind the time.. but I want to.

White Horse

You Belong With Me
by Taylor Swift


White Horse
by Taylor Swift

ok

a confession and a story...

ok, see, there's this guy I like.. and he seems to like me too, only of late.. one day he heard a rumor.. about me, and it just wigged him out in a really bad way.. I got all defensive, he got defensive back.. and it kinda yanked us both off a cliff. then, in efforts to save what we still might have, I tried apologizing, hoping to open us up for more then 'idle chitchat' anymore.. We used to be able to talk so comfortably. and he said he had forgotten the hurt.. that there was nothing to really talk about.. and maybe I should forget the pain as well. I could no longer talk to him about any of it or risk 'misunderstanding' and his yelling fiercely at me before stomping off.
It has reminded me of a cat I once knew.. yeahh I hear you going wtf? but I think it relates..

There was this place I was staying at .. and this girl there had gotten a kitten one day. It was a cute little black thing with big ol eyes.. a very small puffball and cute as anything. But her bf, who was also staying there was anti-catbox. So they put the kitten outside.
Now, you have to understand the area this takes place in. It was rather countryish. At night, we had 4-footed visitors from all over the place. big marauding dogs, huge ol grumpy racoons, slinky and dangerous bobcats, aromatic skunk, and mountain lion that would come sniffing around for tasty midnight snacks.
so.. the girl put the cat up on a balcony of a shed near the house. she gave it food and water and left it there. I felt so badly for that poor little kitty... all alone in the dark and hostile area. It cried and cried and cried. all night long, each and every night that I would stay there.
As I didn't get along with the girl, her bf, and the other friends of theirs staying there, I often found excuse to sleep over at a friend of mine's place. Eventually, the friends of those two, (the girl and her bf) had made the news and the place was closed up for a time. After a few days, another friend came to take the animals away with them in a cross-country move.
I had opportunity to follow them to the new area a bit later and here is that kitty. looking skrawny and unkempt. It was fed, and eventually gained a little weight but.. idunno.. something was amiss with its mental state. We took to calling it skittykitty because it would be all purring and friendly one moment but it with turn faster then a rattlesnake and take to biting and hissing horribly if you got too close. Oh, you could reach out to touch it, pet, love and comfort.. and be nothing but as sensitive as possible, but something would quirk it.. some unseen, or unknown inside of it would put its tail in a twist. You'd pet it once, twice maybe.. and it would purrrrr. then stop and be chewing on your hand in a quarter second. What had caused it to go all wonky like that, I'm not sure. but it was most certainly not a comfortable type of cat to be around. Not if you valued your hands.


So now.. it feels there is this distance between this guy and me, that wasn't there before. I feel I am trying to pet the skittykitty in trying to talk to him... shivering inside, and thinking "any wrong move, no matter how small, and he's going to bite at me." and he has. Why is this happening? Why is he driving us apart with his sudden rattlesnake temper? Why can't he seem to see what its doing to us? Why can't we talk like we once did? Why has he become so.. impatient. distant. intolerant? Why has he become such a skittykitty to me? I don't know.
but I think my tears are about done now. My back is against the wall. Its time to put my raw feelings back into a box in a single-minded effort to cope. Maybe things can be salvaged, maybe not. We need to be able to talk.. to open our communication again and resolve the starting issues. but until he gains some patience.. and stops yowling and gnashing his teeth on my being.. we will go further and further toward the edge. I can see it. I don't know if that's what he truly wants or not. Its certainly not making me feel like being so close to him with my heart anytime soon though.

On another note... It seems my brother has had a 'visit' from my mom and bonbon... Ahh! that hurts! Why doesn't the pain at least lessen.. why does it have to reduce me to sobbing every single freaking time?! :( ....damn it! =.=;
Why does all of this have to happen now? why all at once? Why does it even have to happen at all?!!?! ugh! what a life! anyone care to trade? please?!

what is love?

Consider this....
(not in any particular order.)

1. Love is.. feeling like laughing with joy when you are around your partner.
2. love is.. supporting them when they could really use it.
3. love is.. never wanting to give up on them.
4. love is.. communication.
5. love is.. understanding.
6. love is.. saying your sorry for arguing... even if you aren't sorry for your side in it.
7. love is.. learning to put up with/overlook/tolerate some of their not so wonderful traits and habits.
8. love is.. caring.
9. love is.. a test of time and endurance.
10. love is.. forgiving.



True friendship is.. communication.
true friendship is.. saying your sorry for arguing, even if you aren't sorry for your side in it.
true friendship is.. supporting them when they really could use it.
true friendship is.. understanding.
true friendship is.. a test of time and endurance.
true friendship is.. learning to put up with/overlook/tolerate some of their.. not so wonderful traits and habits.
true friendship is.. caring.
true friendship is.. feeling like laughing with joy when you are around them.
true friendship is.. forgiving
true friendship is.. never wanting to give up on them.

Sorrow

Every Time I Hear Your Name
by Keith Anderson

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she'll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it's way too soon to be talkin' 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
'cause I know exactly what she's goin' through; yeah, I've been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin' 'bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin' the change the things I can't change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, and I'm in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can't explain, but I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

*******
This song seems to reflect my mood of late... A feeling I have lost something of vast importance to me.. that I wasnt sure I had in the first place.

Another vid

this one was well put together, I thought... even if it was a little flickery.


movie: Disney etc
song: Just Dance by Lady GaGa

and another one by the same author based on the movie Anastasia.


movie: Anastasia
song: Love Story by Taylor Swift

ok.. so...

Whattowrite-whattowrite?

My week.. weeks.. month.. months? have been rollercoasting me into something of a depression. So I'm not really sure what to think, much less to say. Rather like something I once heard someone gripe about, I have repeatedly found my feelings tied up in a complete knot over someone else's words and actions.. seemingly without my full knowledge. I feel like such an idiot! I have repeatedly found myself considering knocking myself utterly brainless against the nearest hard surface because of it. I try -so- hard to do and say the right thing and it always seems to go awry... It all winds up complicating matters and driving people into a shouting snarling match, with myself placed on one side. soo, here I sit, grumbling and hissing to myself.. AT myself for even getting me into this mess in the first place and really, there's nothing for it. the first moment of weakness and I go and do it all over again. -sigh- does it -have- to end as a disaster?

To top that off, it feels like my rl situation is degrading.. bugs and all. and I've no place to flee to if it all goes down the wash. soo many things going wrong.. all seemingly at the same time. Truly, bad news -Does- travel in packs. Really Big ones too!

Beyond all that.. um...
well...
I really liked that pink vid. you might say, I know the feeling well. lol!
I have liked the series True Blood and Vampire Diaries too.. I even liked Blood Ties. too bad it was killed.
and I enjoyed Code Geass even if it did kinda end on a sad note. I also like the series of The Guild. You probably saw the vid below already.

umm... oh!

I got a visit from my sister, who I haven't seen in awhile now. We poured over dad's old photo albums, snickered at all of the cows and spoke a bit about brotherly tales, of which seems to have been swept low and and then picked up again rather unexpectedly by a welcome Samaritan. It was good to catch up a little.


Listening to:
P!nk and The guild.
Reading: nothing
Current Show: Vampire diaries.
Feeling: ughish!
Internet Tabs: fbook.. kinda
Obsessing Over: some guy who lives in another country.
Current Rant: too many to want to type them all out.

P!nk -So What!

nice scene and song

I'll make a man, out of you.

-Mulan

sarcastic and funny.

Do You Want To Date My Avatar
-The Guild

idleness..

* If you could be any person in the world, who would you be, and why?
An alien. Because they have a method of getting around that's rather unique to the common world... and there are far away places I can't seem to get to.

* Describe a place you remember from your childhood.
Playing navigator for my dad as we traveled across country. I got the map, he got the wheel, partly because he was the only driver, partly because he wanted to give me something useful to do, and partly because I knew my way around maps pretty well.

* How did you meet your closest friend?
Who said I have a closest friend? ok ok.. hm.. I first met my closest friend when I was invited on a lark to an SCA gathering in Oregon.

* Write a list of 25 (or just 5!) things you want to do in your life.
1. To see a real live whale in the ocean. 2. To travel off the continent and see places like Europe and Japan. 3. To see Alaska. 4. To write/illustrate a book and get published. 5. To find my niche in the world.

* What is something you do well?
I tell stories well.

* What would have happened if you didn't leave the house this morning?
Who said I have left the house today? umm.. probably nothing special.

* If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Japan, Europe, Scotland, Australia, Canada, Alaska.. need I go on?

* What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
Writing, because it's expressive. Drawing, because it's freeform, Playing online games, because it is something freeform and expressive for others as well.

* What sets you apart from the crowd?
hmm.. is there anything to set me apart from the crowd? well.. I like all sorts of music genres.. I guess that's a little unusual.

* What do you want to be remembered for?
My sense of kindness and love of laughter.. pass it on! :D

* What is the nicest thing you have done for someone? I have done a lot of nice things for people. might need to ask them.

* What is the greatest lesson you've learned so far in your life?
hm.. the greatest lesson.. so far... hmm.. greatest thing to me personally, through the hardship of figuring it out.. I'd say.. God answers prayer, even if the answer is 'No'. all around though, it'd be "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you." in other words.. treat people like you would want to be treated.

* If you could invent anything new, what would it be?
A teleportation device.

* If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
1. To invent that teleportation device I just mentioned...unlimited distance.(or at least world-wide.) 2. To be a shape-shifter(controlled). 3. financial (and legal) security.

* How would you spend a found $20 bill? I'd save it for a time, until finding something I just 'had' to get.

* What is the most exciting thing that ever happened to you?
exciting as in how? horrific exciting? suddenly finding myself stranded alone on a quiet country road somewhere in the usa.. at night. surprising exciting? Someone throwing an actual surprise birthday for me, for the first time.. ever.

* What is your favorite day of the week? Saurday! (does that classify as 'week'?.. if not then Friday!!)

* Name some things you are thankful for.
Hot running water. Sight. Sound. warmth/coolness, dry areas/shade, Friends. Family. (not necessarily in that order)

* What was your favorite childhood toy? A stuffed cat I called 'hot stuff'

another cool video

Her Morning Elegance
by Oren Lavie

thoughts and musings

I'm rather analytical and introspective person by general nature. Recently I have come to musing about the expressions of love vs crush and a soulmate vs a life mate.

Have you ever developed a crush on someone? It feels a bit like a heart-stopping thrill-a-second coaster that you just can't seem to get off of until the ride is over and the cart has come to a complete dead-stop. ..and my-oh-my do people do some of the stupidest things when crushing! we are talking true to classic noggin-thwapping stuff here. but it usually ends. and often-times, it is a rather abrupt stop too. fights, anger, tears, agony...and sometimes.. it is easily forgotten as well.

but now love, as ever I have seen it.. is a constant thing, with certainty that the object of your attention will be a part of your heart for the rest of your life. That it doesn't matter how many years, or what horrible things have been done or will be done.. you will always love them in a deeper sense then your average infatuation case.

Then there is the differences between what people consider a soulmate and a lifemate... which touches upon the whole subject of old souls and reincarnation or destiny.

A lifemate, to me, is someone you spend your life with. pure and simple, compared to the complexity of a soul mate. You can love, be in love and even crush on a lifemate.
A soulmate, is someone, whose very being and essence draws you together like nothing or no-one else in the scope of the universe can. Sometimes, it can even be against one's will.
These two ..elements? are not always found in the same person.

I saw an episode of a recent tv series, in which this pi was approached by and 'old soul' looking for his wife of a previous incarnation. but, as it turned out, she had married and was happy with her choice. So it would seem, that the old soul and she were soul-mates.. and the girl had taken a lifemate. (which kind of knocked their combined death-for-love-and-rebirth thing rather askew.) Needless to say the old soul was rather resistant to the idea of her having chosen anyone but him.
So then, does this mean, that these two soul-mates will drift further and further apart, never to come together again? or..does it mean, that they will go their way for this lifetime.. and come together in another? and what of the life-mate then? he is married to the girl, and yet knows, (or does he?,) that while he is her spouse and love for this lifetime.. she has a deeper and older connection to another guy. or does the lifemate then become another soulmate? perhaps replacing or adding to the number she has? either way, it seems they knew eachother to be soulmates, destined to be drawn to one another like bonded recognition.

Now, how might this apply to rl? look around you, walk of life, school, church, gathering spots. you ever wonder, will 'she' stay with him, past the event.. or when the heady crush wears off? will 'he' find that 'his' heart will truely always be 'hers' even after years have gone by? how about the two married people there, they love eachother sure, but why is 'she' murmuring that,..perhaps there might be something yet missing from her heart? why, if 'he' is so in love, is 'he' still looking around him, even in knowing 'he' cannot touch, nor would 'he' really want to? is there a difference between soul and life mates? and if there is..

Its easy to see that there can be many lifemates in a single lifetime. divorce being an option in this world has shown us this,.. to some, quite a number of times too! So then, what about this soul mate business? can a single person have a true soul-mate somewhere in the whole of the world? The world is quite a big place really.. in spite of the saying of its being small. There are a lot of people.. a lot of cultures.. and a lot of different time-lines going on. I would imagine how much easier it would be to choose a life mate then it would be to find that one person with whom you are 'drawn' to. Perhaps then, many people never actually find their soul mate.. and instead settle comfortably with the lifemate potentials they can see right around them.
what then, should happen, if, after having gotten comfy in their happy life with someone, the soulmate shows up on the radar?

sighs

I'm a bit worried about mr Tf. He claims to be returning more often, and yet the opposite has proven true thus far. He claims that he cares, that he wouldn't leave.. and yet.. it seems that he has. I am.. not quite sure how to take it really. oh, he has his excuses.. I'm sure they are perfectly valid one's too. or perhaps they were. So now in my pining.. I need to carry on... not knowing which way to turn.. feeling lost... and I mean more then just 'in a crowd'. So pardon my randomness for a little while longer... I'm trying to patch up.. trying to find a safe attitude to take. something I can do to seal away the wounds once again.

ok so.. watch those oxhorn's vids. they are pretty funny, I think. and good for a reality break... and if you have ever played wow, they are hilarious!

Listening to:
nothing.
Reading: random blogs.
Current Show: blood ties.
Feeling: ehh.
Internet Tabs: rainy days, fbook.
Obsessing Over: guild politics and affairs of the heart.
Current Rant: my own instability.


Oxhorn's Short shorts. Prof Evil kills All Gold Farmers.

Oxhorn tells off Xfire

Inventing Swear words 5

ehh? wow!

Ok, who let that horrible thing out again?! Back! Back! Back into your cage! back I say! *skreee! Crash! shutter.. click* there we go. Enough about my monsters,.. On to better things!


First of all. I really want to thank my friends. Without you, this whole lousey time o the year thing would have been a lot worse then it was. Grateful hardly even touches the depth of my feeling here. thank you. sincerely. :)


Once upon a time, in the land of Iria, there was this kitty. she wasn't very remarkable really, at least she didn't think so. but when it comes to friends, she had some of the very best. Last night, the kitty was facing having to go through a dungeon that was in just about every way superior to her meager skills. So friends gathered to help protect her along the way. Leading the pack in general, was mr Dl and his guild leader. beside him, for the most part, was the punch-packer mr Gw. (don't mess with this guy. seriously.) also gamely zooming along was the uber mr Rs and the windmilling mr Am. Kitty couldn't have been in safer hands. In fact, she didn't do much more then lift her healing wand a few times and race along in the group's wake in efforts to somehow keep up. She honestly couldn't have been more impressed/blown away by the efficiency and speed with which they dispatched the monsters. added to the realization that they did this just for her caused her to gush her thanks afterward. kitty sure is lucky to have such remarkable friends.

personally, I wish she had somehow managed pictures. :)

Just ignore it.

This ...ya know, sometimes, i really think life sucks. just when you start to notice a rise in well-feeling.. like maybe -this- year will be a little brighter then the others have been around this time.. like maybe theres a bit of hope after all... and suddenly, with no real warning.. nosedive.. straight off the cliff and into the smog, swirling like some unseen witch's greenish concoction, far below.

Once again the heart has taken the reins.. and -once again- I experience the pain of such horrible tearing sadness and a futile sense of flailing about... getting no-where at all, except back into the mire of depression, which as it seems, I am forever seeking a way out from...but it just keeps sucking me irresistibly back in.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to those of you that might be reading this. not 100% sure I care at the moment so youl have to forgive me. I guess this too, is a part of who I am. A part of me that I can never seem shake get free of.. no matter how hard or often that I try.

oh sure, sure.. there's a reason why this happens every stinking year around this time. sure. the fact being, I miss my mom a great deal. Its like some kind of morbid death-day or something. always seems to happen right around this time, and the veneer of my happiness portrayed, fails me.. horribly, I am left exposed and crying.

So what is there to do about it? nothing that I have ever found. All I can suggest is.. smile along when I do, don't dig too deeply, forgive my random bouts of tears and growls, and hope to heaven I get over it quickly.

And for those that run up against my raw nerves and pet peeves, you -know- I'm going to howl objections and throw dark looks around the room. How I HATE when that happens! Why does it have to keep happening?!

Its nothing. I'm fine.. or.. I'm sure I will be. I -need- the comforting friendship.. and yet, in my more cool reasoning mind I know that I have no real -need- for much of anything... or anyone. Its like I seek it out though, with a kind of fevered desire, only to rail against it uselessly when I come up against it. What a totally un-reasonable, idiotic pattern!

So once again, here I sit, commiserating myself with no-one or thing to talk to.. to thump my fists uselessly against a wall and bawl like some spoilt little child who has just learned that her whole world has turned itself inside-out to face a sickly shade of puce green and life will never ..ever.. go back to the sweet comfortable way it was. no more time to even wonder if maybe there was any real or true appreciation. It's done.

The snitched candy has hit the floor and shattered into a zillion microscopic shards with no way to -ever- see its original form ...ever again. it's gone. there's no way to do more then watch and wallow now, I guess... so yeah, a reason for sure.. a need, most certainly.. and know that should I snarl, ~"Leave me alone!"~ it's not forever. I'm just being crap poor company is all.

Slam your doors if you think you must, push the button to turn it all off if you have to... knowing that each sharp noise is sending its splinters deep into my being, there to stay... even as I snarl and scream in agony.. MoM! ahh mom.. I sorely miss you! ...even now. ...forgive me for being so pathetic.

Listening to:
nothing.
Reading: nothing.
Current Show: none.
Feeling: guess.
Internet Tabs: not bothering atm.
Obsessing Over: who cares.
Current Rant: my own ineptness.